It's been a while...

And I still don't really feel like doing this, but thought I'd better. As many of you now know, several weeks ago my OH suffered a real set-back health wise, and after a no-brainer (considering all the hospital appointments I'm still organising) the decision was taken for me to leave work in order to look after him, the children and out home.
After being back at work full-time for the past 18 months this has been a real wrench, I am going to be completely honest.
Whilst caring for people is now second nature to me - indeed before I returned to work last February that is exactly what I had been doing for the proceeding 10 years, and really even longer than that as my previous work experience was bitty, and only part-time. My oldest child is heading towards 17 now so I'll leave you to do the maths....
Anyway, as I said, the caring bit is not the problem really, what is getting to me is the complete lack of acknowledgement of me.... me as a person, in any way shape or form in my own right.....
I'm back to being someone's mother, wife, carer and nurse again. I'm not me, not just me .... and this has happened in the blink of an eye.... I was shocked - and disappointed.

I don't feature in respect of the government - because I am married to someone who has an existing claim for benefits (disability benefits as unable to work) I cannot claim in my own right - I have to be added on as a |"Dependent" of his....
I am the "Partner" of the claimant when it comes to sorting out our housing/council tax benefits - believe it or now because my name come after his in the alphabet!

All these things combine with the fact that people who once spoke to me (whilst I was working of course) now ignore me, and just build up to increase my sense of insecurity once more. I will not hide from the fact that I was unsure of exactly who I was (even whilst I was employed) at least people did not shun me, blank me, and generally treat me like a second class citizen, such as they do now. As a full-time carer I fill a huge blank in the employment market, saving hundreds of thousands of pounds a year, and yet, I have been ignored, given the cold shoulder by my peers and quite simply treated as if I am no longer worth wasting the time speaking to.

Thank you world.
When you need me at some point in the future, I might just not be there for you.

Somebody buy me some perfume please...

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That might sound silly, but having recently watching a couple of programmes about The perfume industry has led me to realise that I have been making a huge mistake!
I have been choosing & buying my own!
So,
What I need is a friendly person (preferably a tall dark handsome gentleman) willing to go out shopping with me, spend a couple of hours going round a department store trying out ALL the fragrances, and ultimately picking out two or three which, after being sprayed on & left whilst we have a languorous lunch, still smell great on me....

And obviously, buy them for me....

(Incidentally, I understand that it is suggested that you should ALWAYS have someone else with you when you go to buy perfume... as you should not be able to smell it on yourself - if you can you have used too much!)

A far cry from what I thought.

If you'd asked me when I was 16 years old where did I see myself being when I was in my thirties I would have probably have answered you that I would be in a hospital lab somewhere cutting up dead people...I wanted to be a pathologist. I certainly had no plans for motherhood, had got a place at college to do my A-Levels & was heavily involved in various orchestras and choirs in my spare time.

Only life takes you on the path IT chooses, and within the space of 2 years I had left college (without passing my A-Levels) got a job, left home, fallen pregnant with my first child & gotten married!

And whilst I wouldn't change anything I have done in my life, I now appreciate that there have been certain decisions taken which have proven not to have been the best (or maybe should have been delayed until I was more mature/better informed) and have seriously impacted on my ability to move on now.

It's not that it is too late to something about this, but I am struggling to see the way forwards because there are too many of the clouds of my past overhead. It's going to take a real trick to clear them enough for me to see. I have to deal with the difficulties in what ever way needed in order to continue participating in what's going on around me, my family, friends, work, everything. I refuse to be defined by the choices I made as a young person, and now need the decisions I take from this point on to count.

Once more it comes back to the title of this post. As a teenager I made a lot of assumptions that my life would be on track, smoothly flowing along and that I would know exactly where I was going. Everything I know now just tells you that life can be a far cry from your expectations, dreams, hopes and is requires consant (or at least periodic) rediscovery to keep you being true to yourself.

Perfect parent...obviously not....

Where is it in the manual that parents have to like all their children?

I only ask this because I recently had to wake up to the fact that whilst I love all my children equally, and would never change them for the world (despite REALLY not looking forward to when I have three teenagers in the house at the same time as a small person) I actually find one of them more difficult to get on with then the others...

I was somewhat worried about this untill I rationalised it as the same issue you have with all relationships - YOU CANNOT LIKE EVERYONE YOU MEET - even though this particular person is genetically half me, and therefore I am effectively saying that there's something I have "created" which I don't get on with.

Still, even though I have been through this thought process there are pangs of guilt whenever I realise that my child is not necesarily getting the full emotional imput that they should be, from me, and that I sometimes find it really difficult to not get one sided about the challenges they present me with on a daily basis.
So,
I made a concious decision to separate the "dislike" into a place where it does not affect my behaviour towards my child, do everything I can to ensure even-handedness in ALL my responses to their behaviour, including issues between them and their siblings, and to work very hard to show them that I do love them, respect them & completely support them in everything they do.
I would still like someone to help me here though.... I know I'm not a perfect mum but surely I should be able to manage this?

A valid question but no real answer...

Now that might just seem like a silly title for a blog post to you, but over the past few months something very obvious has dawned on me and I'd like to put this to you....

Why, if everyone I ever meet is telling me that I should be happy to just be me.....am I constantly seeking to grow & change?

I've been told for many years that I should not worry about what other people think of me. At one point in my life this was probably because I was seriously overweight (we love you any way you are!), at other times its been because I doubt my own abilities (but you're an excellent singer and your children are so well behaved) Still more are the times I've been advised that I should "count my blessings" and "be grateful for my life" as I have my four healthy children & have been married to the same man for over 16 years....

So,

I come back to my question.

Why am I intent on changing?

I might not be able (or willing) to change certain things about my life, but the way I look & what I do as a job have been the two biggest changes I have made in the past couple of years. Indeed, these have gone hand in hand almost. I think its fair to say that if you asked any of my colleagues they would agree..
But I can sense, with every strand of my being, that there is still so much more that wants to be altered, re-shaped and -remoulded. I can't stop what's begun even if I wanted to, and I have no idea where it will end.

Who will I be at the end?
Will anyone recognise me?
Will I recognise myself?
Will I like what I see & but does that make any difference?
Because I'm quite sure I don't like what I see at the moment..

I'm just sure that flies in the face of everything, (almost) everyone's ever said to me!