Aggghhh...

Once again I'm fighting against too many bad-guys.

I've no job, my kids are growing and need things, simple things like a bigger bed, and I can't give it to them.
Add to this the fact that I'm seen as their enemy half the time, their bank, quarter of the time and someone they can ignore the rest of the time and you've got a great combination.

I'm in, possibly the most complex relationship possible, and can't see the light at the end of the promised tunnel.

And, where once I had my health, recent results call even this into question.

If I could deal with any one of these on its own, I'm sure I'd be fine. But I'm no clown and can't juggle so everything is now getting to be a complete handful.

What the hell am I supposed to hold on to now? ....

Are you ready for this?

I have to get this off my chest.. Sorry, I know you hate it!

I am fed up of being compared to others - especially someone who is plainly incapable, inadequate and has done nothing but damage peoples lives! Being told I'm a "nice" change, is so soul destroying. It's hardly a glowing comparison to be making, and says nothing about how I stand as my own person. I have never had someone look at me and tell me what they see - only ever had comparison, be it to mother, ex, someone else they know or "celebrity" ... I really don't know who I am.

In the past 10 months, I have waded through a life of contradiction, trying to hide some things but knowing that I couldn't live a lie even if others still were. And yet, although I have made steps forwards, I've walked right into another brick wall - thrown up by yet someone else! Someone who, by all accounts, wishes to mess around with the ones who mean most to me just to get their own way. They also seem to have the support of others, and have "weapons" in one form or another, by which they are hoping to achieve this.

I want to scream!!!

In my head is a little voice saying "get out", "run away" "you don't need this" "maybe they'll never be able to sort it"...

But my heart says "don't leave them behind" "you need them" "they need you" "it will change"...

I have a lot of me invested in this, but then again, I've been here, done that, once already and look where it got me!

With the apparent conflict in the situations others find themselves in having huge impact on my life, I am now stuck in a situation where I cannot move my life forward. I really want to be a more positive, energetic, vibrant person, happy to bring my children up no matter what life throws at me. But, and again, a big but, is that until I know for certain just what place others wish to have or have to choose to have in my (our) lives, that can't (won't) happen. I have no control over this because if I just make one of the possible decisions, it will hurt too many others and I can't bring myself to do that either.  I just don't want to stay in a perpetual state of "suspended animation" I'm human. I'm young. I'm healthy and I have so much to give to whoever chooses to accept it. I don't want to look back at the past - if I can't stay in the present (sometimes that is too sad) then I want to look forward to the future and if all that is happening is a replay of a broken record reminding me of the past, then this isn't going to be possible either.

Someone used a phrase in the last couple of days which captures how things feel right now - "like a flat, barren landscape" - featureless, and unexciting, but in some ways, I don't mind that, I'd rather this, than a huge sea of peaks and troughs, leaving me floundering for breath. But, and it's a huge but, I'd like to know that there is something out there for me.

Somewhere............????

 but at the moment, I can't see it anywhere......

The trials of modern parenting..

Some of you are aware that my youngest's daughter's daddy does not live with us and that she has very restricted access to him - not through his choice I must add - and many of you will, no doubt, know just how difficult this makes bringing up a child.

I also know that the choice I made to have her was mine alone but, and it is a significant but, her daddy has made it clear that he wishes to be involved in the decisions I take which impact her, and that he wants to involve himself in her life when he can. 

Fine, this is admirable, and I would like nothing more than this. 

But, and again another significant but...

There seem to be differences in opinion as to what "being involved" actually mean (inevitable) and what are the important things in a childs' life (again, inevitable considering our differing upbringings) Where in my world, spending time holding her, singing to her, feeding her, bathing, and yes, even changing her nappy are the things which are important, showing her that you want to spend your time with her - maintaining eye contact, letting her know you want to be with her and making her feel loved and special. 

In his, it is the financial security offered by him being in a good job - NOW BEFORE ANYONE COMPLAINS I AM CRITICISING THIS, I'M NOT!! - It's just that I know from my own experience that money does not make a happy childhood nor does lack of it mean a miserable one.  I feel that by focusing on one aspect of life (career for financial advancement in later life) you are simply missing out on what is important right now. The little things slip by unnoticed, you go through each day and before you realise, your little girl is all grown-up and starting secondary school. 

We also apparently differ in how we approach communicating with each other - I, on one hand like to say a quick "hello" every day but without intruding with a long protracted conversation whilst he would rather not speak for days (sometimes a week) and then spend an hour.... meaning by the time we do speak I've forgotten stuff (sometimes important stuff I needed to mention) and when something then raises its head he gets ..... um.... fractious.... And blames me for not telling him about it.

We both live very complex lives, this I grant, and are trying our best to move forwards to the next life stage for each of us, but I am struggling to see how I am going to prevent future friction events becoming more common as certain issues are just not going to change anytime soon. 

I'd like to think I can continue to bite my tongue when something upsets me but just not take the moral high ground. I'm sure there are things about me, which annoy the hell out of him so please don't think me thick skinned and cold-hearted!

Pushchairs at 10 paces

I have now been making use, for some weeks, almost every day, of a pram.  Now, as I've stated before, I am not perfect, but equally, this is my fifth child and I do have a few years practice.
I had been on maternity leave for a few months before having my little Chloë and already had a number of observations about the way I'd seen others tackling their pushchairs...
These are as follows...


Firstly,

Women with small children in prams/pushchairs seem to think that when out with said baby transport it is the appropriate opportunity to make some very large purchases (bags of ballpit balls, stair gates, boxes of 1000's of nappies) and either loaded the pushchair up and caused it to become very unstable (i.e breath of wind tips it over) or so wide that it looks like it deserves its own police escort and flashing warning lights (oh, and is still very unstable and tips over when mother lets go again!)

Next,

When pushing a small infant (less than 6 months old) it is essential to use a stroller (which of course does not recline properly) so that small child cannot lie back properly at all and is uncomfortable through-out the shopping trip and cries constantly, which just adds to the enjoyment already being experienced by the mother who is also trying to make a reluctant pre-schooler hold the pushchair and walk at the speed she is pushing it .....

Next,

Mother has decided that "Little Johnny" is far too delicate to walk, despite being 5, being in uniform, and clearly having been just picked up from school.

Next,

Mummy thinks that it is clearly more appropriate to put the shopping in the pushchair and push it whilst carrying the tiny baby ALL the while wearing flip-flops.......

Or even (and to some extent most frustrating to me)

Mummys with children capable of using their feet and wearing shoes, still insisting on using a pushchair, but taking them out of said pushchair on a bus, and leaving the pushchair up in the ridiculously limited space reserved for pushchairs, and refusing to fold them up for those actually needing the space i.e. wheelchair users, disabled or elderly people with walking frames, or even other mummys with very young babies in prams etc who cannot walk. I have been forced to sit with my carrycot on my lap in this situation because I needed to pick one of my other children up from school and there were two very selfish women already using the space - both their children were sat on their laps NOT in their pushchairs!

I have others, but I'll leave it there for now.

I do not often judge people but I hate selfishness. I have always bought my children up to share and think of others and cannot understand why others seem unable to do this simple thing. It is simply courteousness and takes no effort.
I also dislike people who clearly do not think about what they are doing......

Or maybe I'm judgmental and unfair. Either way, it's still shows a lack of fore-thought.

Final countdown....

Some of you might know, by now, that I am currently pregnant with my 5th child.

Because of the circumstances through which I became pregnant, I always knew it was going to be a huge uphill struggle to deal with.

The initial hurdles of dealing with the immense shock for everyone involved, were a foretaste of what was to come, but one I didn't fully take in at the time.

Time has passed, I'm now almost 30 weeks (and everyone agrees that seems to have happened pretty swiftly) & things really have become less settled and as of now, seem to be on a difficult balancing point.
Apart from the fact that I have not had a straight-forward pregnancy itself, there are holes appearing in the whole experience which means I have not enjoyed, am not really enjoying it, and am becoming increasingly scared with my last ever pregnancy and the prospect of giving birth again.

I can now understand how a woman who is single, either through choice or by accident, feels about being pregnant. Even though I actually have people around me - there is just no way that anyone can or will ever be able to support me through this in the "usual" way. I'm certainly not saying that I'm doing this by myself but the milestones and high points of expecting a baby have been pretty lonely because those around cannot participate fully with them for a variety of reasons. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about the joy of feeling baby move, or the scariness of not being able to see all the baby's organs in my scan and having to wait to repeat it. I have no-one to listen to me about the silly little niggles associated with being pregnant, nor to rub my belly with soothing lotion at the end of a long day - it would just be too imposing of me to expect this considering.

I don't regret my choice this time, just as I never regret my decision to have my first child, Lizzie, 18 years ago. I do however, know that this decision will impact the rest of my life just as it did all those years ago, and that I have to deal with the consequences of that, for the main, on my own - despite assurances from others, I believe I am just being realistic in my expectations. And in all honesty, accept that responsibility as my honour.

I want to stress to those around me that I am not pushing any of you away and am pleased to accept the support you do provide, I just want you to know that I understand that this event will be hard for you all. But please don't be afraid to tell me if you need to distance yourselves for a while to deal with it as you must.

We can get through this, but lets not be blind to all the difference it will make and try and work through it.