Final countdown....

Some of you might know, by now, that I am currently pregnant with my 5th child.

Because of the circumstances through which I became pregnant, I always knew it was going to be a huge uphill struggle to deal with.

The initial hurdles of dealing with the immense shock for everyone involved, were a foretaste of what was to come, but one I didn't fully take in at the time.

Time has passed, I'm now almost 30 weeks (and everyone agrees that seems to have happened pretty swiftly) & things really have become less settled and as of now, seem to be on a difficult balancing point.
Apart from the fact that I have not had a straight-forward pregnancy itself, there are holes appearing in the whole experience which means I have not enjoyed, am not really enjoying it, and am becoming increasingly scared with my last ever pregnancy and the prospect of giving birth again.

I can now understand how a woman who is single, either through choice or by accident, feels about being pregnant. Even though I actually have people around me - there is just no way that anyone can or will ever be able to support me through this in the "usual" way. I'm certainly not saying that I'm doing this by myself but the milestones and high points of expecting a baby have been pretty lonely because those around cannot participate fully with them for a variety of reasons. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about the joy of feeling baby move, or the scariness of not being able to see all the baby's organs in my scan and having to wait to repeat it. I have no-one to listen to me about the silly little niggles associated with being pregnant, nor to rub my belly with soothing lotion at the end of a long day - it would just be too imposing of me to expect this considering.

I don't regret my choice this time, just as I never regret my decision to have my first child, Lizzie, 18 years ago. I do however, know that this decision will impact the rest of my life just as it did all those years ago, and that I have to deal with the consequences of that, for the main, on my own - despite assurances from others, I believe I am just being realistic in my expectations. And in all honesty, accept that responsibility as my honour.

I want to stress to those around me that I am not pushing any of you away and am pleased to accept the support you do provide, I just want you to know that I understand that this event will be hard for you all. But please don't be afraid to tell me if you need to distance yourselves for a while to deal with it as you must.

We can get through this, but lets not be blind to all the difference it will make and try and work through it.

Didn't I Tell You?....

Yes... I believe I did.... If you refer back to my previous blog post "Aren't We English Folk Queer?", in which I speak about the bizarre behaviour exhibited by the population of the locals when the sun came out, I think you will find I warned against presumptive action...

Well,

I was proven correct...

The unseasonal weather was a momentary hiccup in our normal pattern of English weather, and we are once more back to normal, wet, grey & miserable.

I am very glad that I didn't abandon my winter wardrobe in favour of t-shirts, summer dresses & sandals, I would be looking very silly right about now. Although there are a number of individuals who clearly attempted to do just this - to their detriment - and I have a word of advice or two for them.

In future:

Never trust the sunshine in March - it is un-natural,
Do not buy strappy tops or sandals in the shops before July (unless going on a foreign holiday somewhere it is justified) - you will feel stupid at some point,
Never hang up your winter coat before the end of May - You ARE going to need it again!
Make sure you have an umbrella in your handbag - You will thank me for this even if it seems pointless at first,
and

Try to use your common sense when dressing your children - use yourself as an example.


Maybe next time people will listen to me.

Aren't we English folk queer?

It is the end of March and the weather is predicted to break after a spell of unseasonable heat and sunshine. I've noticed a few things changing in people's behaviour over the last two weeks and would like to share my observations with you.

BBQ's are just an excuse to burn otherwise perfectly edible food...

It's hit double figures - bring out the BBQ!!

Whilst I quite enjoy the pleasures of a well done al fresco dining experience it does take a certain breed of people to take advantage of whatever little sunshine the British weather decides to offer us (taking into account it is only spring) by dragging the gas-powered (or for those with more taste, charcoal) outdoor oven.... Otherwise known as the BBQ. Because lets face it, whilst the temperature has been nice during the daytime, once the sun starts its decent, about 5pm ish, this quickly changes .... I'd personally rather be inside of an evening, then shivering trying to enjoy my food outside.

Style, sophistication.... the string vest just says it all...

The sun's shining, quick get the string vest on!!

Look, I have no doubt that in someone's eyes you are an attractive person, and, in the right situation that vest top is probably the right thing to be wearing (actually, no, it really isn't, not in public) but it is still only Spring, and this is the United Kingdom..... So, Really????  I don't want to see your pasty British arms & hairy back.... Please cover up.... at least until you've made attempts to look like something that hasn't just come out of hibernation.

Because Ice cream is exactly what you need for lunch isn't it??

You do not need an Ice-cream you miserable child...

Yes my darling... I know the sun is out & the omnipresent child-luring ice-cream vans have started to trawl the streets once more like the leeches they are.... but little one, you do not need an ice-cream or an ice-lolly to live, and yes I can handle the temper tantrum & "you hate me" which I know is going to be levelled at me as a response to this..... So.... Tough......
(One day you'll thank me for denying you all those empty calories.... although it might be some way down the road yet)

It only takes a few minutes to cut your nails & polish them...

 Sandals..... with those toenails?

You could, at the very least, have cut them, even if you didn't paint them...... they look like talons..... Please replace the sandals with appropriate footwear until this has been resolved...

And finally.... for now,

Soooo. Who forgot to shave then? 

Ladies, if you are going to wear a skirt....

Don't forget that we British women do neglect our legs during the dark winter months..... so remember to begin the hair removal process now...... or stay in trousers until you decide you are brave enough to do so.



Ah........ The British & their weather!!

50 Things to do before I turn 50....

Update
I thought I'd revisit this particular post now I've had (yet another) birthday.... and add to my list... otherwise what's the point of it?

I've reached a turning point in my life despite only being 35.
I've also come to realise that I haven't done a lot of the things I said I going to when I was a teenager. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and has influenced who I am at the moment... Confused, uncertain & a little bit scared maybe.
In order to improve my focus (as much as I have any control over my future) I decided recently that I am going to create my very own "Bucket List" ... except that I have no intention of dying when it's completed, but will have reached a new turning point with a whole lot more satisfaction then I reached this current one with.


Hence the title of this post "50 Things to do before I'm 50"...


I am not about to list all the obvious things like go on a road trip, or have a tattoo etc, as that is not what this is about. I'm going to take a look at my life, the people around me & the experiences I have already had and work out a list of things which I feel are important enough to put down on paper (so to speak) and which are achievable... I hope to make my life more interesting, varied & full of life as a direct result of widening my engagement with the world, once more aiming to be a more rounded person at the end of this time.
And whilst my list may seem trivial, or even casual to some, each item on it will carry a huge amount of meaning for me personally, and surely this is what is important, after all, the idea is to help myself reach my potential, and not to become "famous" or even "infamous".... I am not a celebrity, I have no wish for notoriety and cannot see the point in this being the goal of my list.
Whilst I have entitled my post "50 Things To Do Before I'm 50" I shall not be including a list of these things at first... I realise that developing the catalogue will take a little time & serious thought. However, there is 1 thing I can say and that is I'm not adverse to people making suggestions for the list... Indeed you are most welcome to, for you may be able to see chances that I cannot and therefore offer me the opportunity to add something as a result of your more, outside point of view of my existence.
Will you help? I look forward to reading your thoughts. In the meantime I shall start things off with this:


Number 1 - Ride on the back of a motorcycle....


Why? Because I have never done so but see it as a way of experiencing the freedom of movement this mode of transport can offer... Something you cannot achieve in a car (much as I like being in them too)


I will add to this list as inspiration takes me..... and ultimately fulfil the potential it opens up in front of me.


Number 2 - Travel to Barcelona by myself.....
Why? I have always wanted to go to the city and I feel strongly that travelling with others places restrictions on your choices which I would want to avoid.

Number 3 - Fly in a Helicopter.....

I love flying and the idea of being able to fly closer to the ground, and with more of a personal sense of contact with the aircraft is just alluring.

Number 4 - Have my portrait drawn (or painted) ....
Maybe this is just me being a little vain, but I would really like to see how someone else pictures me...

Number 5 - Dress in a Sari....
Number 6 - Learn to Pole Dance....
Number 7 - Sing live on TV for the 2nd time...
Number 8 - Learn to use a sewing machine....
Number 10 - Have a poem or other piece of writing published in print...
Number 11 - learn burlesque ...
Number 12 - have my picture taken "au natural" ....
Number 13 - Learn to box...
Number 14 - Shift the remaining 2 stone I am carrying...
Number 15 - Say "No" to someone and really mean it...

Torn between family and self

As many of you are now aware I have been lucky to return to return to work full time with a fantastic company in Garston, after a period of leave to care for my children and OH after the events of last year (which still, to be honest, rumble on in the background even now)
But whilst this is repairing some of the damage done to my dented (neigh, broken) self-esteem, through allowing me to gradually move back into wider circles of human contact, feel appreciated by others and show my capabilities outside of the home, it does not appear to be resolving the one lasting issue I have as to my ultimate place in society & life.

I've said before in my blog that I do not yet have a "life plan", but even finding a job which is within an organisation with room to grow does not seem to be showing me the way...

And what's worse, I'm getting to realise that I have a small seed of selfishness building inside of me, a sense of "when will it be time for me?" rather than "time for others" .... as it has been always for the last 18 years.

I love my family dearly, but have I done so to the point where I am losing (or have lost) my own identity & any chance of a sense of direction? Is it too late for me to retrieve it? Will I always place others needs above my own? It seems like that at the moment.
I have occasionally put my foot down & said NO, I'm going out, YOU will have to do without me for one evening..... but I then spend the evening feeling guilty. It's no fun, and I'm sure no fun for those around me.

On the other hand, maybe I'm supposed to be the matriarch.. Maybe that's my lot.... Maybe I'm supposed to act as the shepherd and gather others up & keep them safe?

I don't know.

And at the moment it's driving me nuts.