Didn't I Tell You?....

Yes... I believe I did.... If you refer back to my previous blog post "Aren't We English Folk Queer?", in which I speak about the bizarre behaviour exhibited by the population of the locals when the sun came out, I think you will find I warned against presumptive action...

Well,

I was proven correct...

The unseasonal weather was a momentary hiccup in our normal pattern of English weather, and we are once more back to normal, wet, grey & miserable.

I am very glad that I didn't abandon my winter wardrobe in favour of t-shirts, summer dresses & sandals, I would be looking very silly right about now. Although there are a number of individuals who clearly attempted to do just this - to their detriment - and I have a word of advice or two for them.

In future:

Never trust the sunshine in March - it is un-natural,
Do not buy strappy tops or sandals in the shops before July (unless going on a foreign holiday somewhere it is justified) - you will feel stupid at some point,
Never hang up your winter coat before the end of May - You ARE going to need it again!
Make sure you have an umbrella in your handbag - You will thank me for this even if it seems pointless at first,
and

Try to use your common sense when dressing your children - use yourself as an example.


Maybe next time people will listen to me.

Ok, I didn't want to do this but...

I know it's the run up to Christmas an'all, but I've been very observant recently (some people might call it nosey) and there have been an increasing list of things I've seen which are getting on my nerves.
I've already blogged about the irritating habit shown by some women who apparently lose their capacity for thought when they give birth, and fail to show their children simple lessons in how to behave towards others, but this was just the start of it.

I am NOT going to pretend that I am perfect - NEVER guilty of a silly mistake, or not realising that I'm doing something which might cause an inconvenience to another person BUT (and it, as far as I'm concerned is a big BUT) I am also able to admit my inadequacies, failings, weaknesses... whatever you wish to call them, and apologise when I have caused something to get in the way of one of my fellow human beings. Not something I see happening very often sadly.

So here, for your reading pleasure is a list of all my complaints about the world...... (I'm sure you can add some - please feel free to comment at the appropriate moment!!)

1. If you are using public transport & are accompanied by small children (or not so small bags of shopping) and there are seats close to the front not required by those less able than yourself - SIT IN THEM!!
Please do not traipse down the vehicle right to the back, no matter how much little "milly" or "frank" might beg.... all you are doing is delaying the departure of the bus for everyone else, and said small person is at risk of falling up the inevitable stairs at points along the gangway of the bus, causing them discomfort and you to lose your temper .....

2. Again, If using said public transport & you have to bring on a wheel case of some sort (i.e you are lucky enough to be going away or just possibly carrying a laptop in one of those poncey wheeled cases - or even, dare I mention, a damnable shopping trolley) SIT AS CLOSE TO THE FRONT AS POSSIBLE!!

The rest of the passengers do not wish to have their shins, toes or other bodily parts damaged by your luggage. And besides this there is not enough space for the aforementioned luggage between the seats unless you are going to be selfish enough to take up two by yourself.

3. When out shopping with your family & your mobile phone rings, it is probably a good idea to keep this item somewhere you can get to it fairly quickly - i.e. your coat pocket or just maybe a handbag pocket if you feel a little more secure with this. WE DO NOT ALL WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID RINGTONES!!

I, myself, have had my fill of Rihanna, JLS, Take That etc......coming out of a mobile device speaker which produces, at best crap quality sounding music......especially when it is just a short burst going round and round and round until your voicemail decides to pick up (thats if you ever got around to setting it up!)

4. I actually don't care what happened on YOUR night out! ..... Funny that, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. So PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN!
I do not want to listen to half a telephone conversation & no, I'm not eavesdropping, its the individuals who seem unable (or unwilling) to keep their voices down whilst holding a chat with someone on their mobile in the middle of a public space - shopping centre, bus station, cafe, bus...... you name a place & I've probably been subjected to a half-convo there!

5. As parents (well some of us are anyway) you become familiar with particular behaviours exhibited by children, especially when they are small - pulling hats, gloves & socks off are all games they love to play - not many small people like them on.... HOWEVER.... if YOU as the responsible mother or father are out on a cold winters day wearing nothing but a sleeveless top, leggings and sandals (yes, I've seen this at least a dozen times in the past month alone) then how is YOUR child going to understand that THEY need these things on? You are the example they follow..... DRESS APPROPRIATELY..... Help them learn that in the cold they need to wrap up, not expose themselves!!


Okay.......

I'll stop there for fear of being accused of, well being a miserable old cow........ and start looking for positive role models in my local population.

I'll let you know when I find any.

Pop music Icons.

I was born in the 1970's but even as a little girl growing up in the 80's I listened to music constantly and by the age of 4 I wanted to be involved in playing music somehow. Now, by this time my family and I were living in the South-East, in Chesham, Buckinghamshire, and my nursery school didn't have the facilities to offer me that opportunity so I had to wait until my mum, brother & I moved to our own home (we had been living with our Grandparents) across the county border in Hertfordshire, to a new school and in fact had the chance to join a church choir some 16 months later, aged nearly 6, and even then I was only allowed to do practices and the Sunday morning service.
It wasn't until I was 7 that I was given the space to partake in the full life of the choir, join in with weddings, evensong and all the Christmas, Easter & the whole joy of music involved in the chorister's world. Shortly after this I began Guitar lessons and soon after this Violin lessons too. and by the age of 16 I had learned 7 different musical instruments.

Meantime the 80's music scene was filled with individuals & bands I can only describe now, as Icons. Names I now look back at with wonder & remember fondly & sing along with, remembering the words of the huge tracks that they released during my childhood. Bands such as Mr Mister & tracks like "Broken Wings" http://youtu.be/aWyeVfuolT4, or Bonnie Tyler "Hero" http://youtu.be/7f_HsjpSVaI and The Bangle "Walk Like an Egyptian" http://youtu.be/BWP-AsG5DRk, as just a very small selection. I bet you could add so many many more!!

As I reached my teenage years, I began to have the chance to buy my first singles & albums (on tape - Freiheit "Keeping the Dream alive http://youtu.be/w9aYrHzEW-w" Michael Jackson Black or White)
and eventually I even owned my own tape player & Walkman. This last piece of kit was a Christmas present and was a Sony Walkman & must have cost my mum a lot of money so I treasured it greatly. But it allowed me to listen to the music of those bands of the 80's & 90's I now feel influenced my early exposure to music as well as my continued love of it.

Care for our community... No, just my family please.

I feel very strongly that I should discuss how inadequate the current support systems are for carers who are neither looking after someone elderly, nor who are only caring but are also still bringing up their family, or god forbid (!) working... alongside taking care of either their partner, a parent or someone else.

Through one brick wall after another I have discovered just how many services are set up with elderly care in mind, and find it really difficult to adapt to the needs of a much younger person - someone in their 30's or 40's has very different emotional and psychological requirements to those of a person in their 80's. This is a huge barrier when talking to some service providers who simply cannot seem to get it into their brains that even younger individuals might require personal support etc.
And it doesn't end there.
When asking for support needs to be looked at for the rest of the family, especially as we act as primary carers on a day to day basis, it is taking months to happen - there is nothing in place to help us, to support us, to stop us feeling isolated or stressed out. We know there are options, young carers support, regional carers organisations, but the length of time referrals take to these is painful, leaving my children without any outside support when they could probably really use it...
I understand things do take time, but I also know that I have already given up the one thing which gave our family most of its structure - my work- in order to care for my other half, but we are now reaching the time where if someone doesn't help us soon, somehow, we are going to start arguing more, finding it impossible to be in each others company and generally failing to function as a family in any way at all.

Turning in to a shell of myself

Recently someone asked me what I was doing with my time these days.... I stopped and thought for a second, about to give them a whole long list of of stuff, considering how much of my  time is being taken up with school runs, chasing hospital appointments for my other half & eldest daughter, organising time with my mum and dad, and contacting the various people now in charge of our finances. But then I realised that actually in between these things (which whilst annoying & frequent) don't necessarily take a long time (well sometimes they do - with hospital appointments at Stanmore & Harefield it can take a VERY long time!!) and I am actually left with gaps between them........

I had already started to realise that I was not fulfilling my true self any more, I've long since given up my long held hobbies of singing, playing the viola (anything to do with music except listening) and now that I've stopped working I no long have the companionship of my colleagues, clients or even just the routine of getting up & going to work to help with providing a sense of identity. Not only this but as I've already mentioned, being part of a couple, I am unable to claim anything in my own right - I've been added to my "Partner" .... what a great way of helping to stomp out any chance of improving my self-esteem as a woman. Yet again I feel like I belong to someone - in this case my "Partner" (through no fault of his), but even when it comes to other things, I am So & So's Mum..... once again never just Clare.

I have been very aware that at the beginning of 2010 I was on the verge of going to my GP to admit to feeling depressed, and that whilst I am nowhere near that level now, if I do not find an outlet, some way of being just me, very soon, I am going to become just a shell of myself - which is NOT what I want to do, is no use to either my OH, or my children - I just could not care for any of them in that state. My family need me to be fit and capable, they rely on my ability to help them and I be able to rise to the challenge!

However - and this is now my major problem....

Where once I could ask for help from others - friends to look after the children for a couple of hours so I could go out - I can not do so any more. Our family are either too widespread and unable to help (much as they would wish to) or for whatever reason just don't. There have always been excuses as to why they have been unavailable to babysit - I just don't ask any more.
Ultimately what this translates to is that I either rely on my eldest daughter to look after everyone while I go out (including her father) which considering she herself is out 4 nights a week with Army cadets & choir leaves few spare evenings for her to do so, or entrust the care of my OH in my sons hands, and he is only 15 (almost) and I'm not sure that is fair to do on any regular basis, just so I get an evening out!

So where does that leave things?

Nowhere... really...
Trying to fit something in during the day will not work while we have so many appointments to attend and school runs to do (especially as I have to do them by bus and we ALL know how reliable public transport is) Evenings are out - except in rare occasions - as my family are apparently not good enough to spend time with.

As usual, it's up to me to find some way of holding myself together.... It won't surprise me if I turn to books, my camera & oh yes, writing more..... sorry about that but you have been warned!!

No longer straight forward...

Once upon a time life was really rather straight forward. I knew who I was, everyone treated me the same, and called me the same, either “mummy”, or “so-and-so’s mum” or “Mrs Turton”.... if I was lucky.

Things were predictable, to a certain extent, in as much as I knew I had school runs to do at certain times, there would be food shopping needed on particular days, choir practice on Friday evening etc etc..

Even the “unexpectedness” which having children brings was to some degree, routine, as each of my children in turn would make the same mistake, learn the same lessons and develop the same life skills. Not that it wasn’t exiting watching them learning to speak, or walk or ride a bike, but once you have done it once, or twice, somehow it is just not quite as “unpredictable” as it was the previous occasions. It is a little sad to think about it in a way.

Anyway,

All this has changed. And I’m not completely convinced that the change is entirely for the good.

It’s not that I don’t like variety, in fact I do! I really enjoy having a change of perspective and colour to things, it just that what happened in this case has destroyed any certainty I might have had in my sense of self.

I don’t who I am any more... I’m not sure who to be. I’m not sure what’s expected of me, and I am so unsure where I’m going it us beginning to really frustrate me. I want to scream sometimes and it is just not like me.

I’m sure it’s not helping my children either, especially, especially my eldest, who is just getting to the point in her life where she needs certainty and someone near her who can be a source of constancy, and this is just another reason to be frustrated.

However,

One thing I’m not going to do is to worry myself to the point of making myself ill over it. I am going to have to find a way to get through this. I don’t know how yet, and I don’t know how long it will take, but I am sure it will happen.  I also don’t know whether I’ll find the answers by myself or with someone else’s guidance, but I’m prepared to wait and find out.

Another of life’s challenges and part of the journey.