The trials of modern parenting..

Some of you are aware that my youngest's daughter's daddy does not live with us and that she has very restricted access to him - not through his choice I must add - and many of you will, no doubt, know just how difficult this makes bringing up a child.

I also know that the choice I made to have her was mine alone but, and it is a significant but, her daddy has made it clear that he wishes to be involved in the decisions I take which impact her, and that he wants to involve himself in her life when he can. 

Fine, this is admirable, and I would like nothing more than this. 

But, and again another significant but...

There seem to be differences in opinion as to what "being involved" actually mean (inevitable) and what are the important things in a childs' life (again, inevitable considering our differing upbringings) Where in my world, spending time holding her, singing to her, feeding her, bathing, and yes, even changing her nappy are the things which are important, showing her that you want to spend your time with her - maintaining eye contact, letting her know you want to be with her and making her feel loved and special. 

In his, it is the financial security offered by him being in a good job - NOW BEFORE ANYONE COMPLAINS I AM CRITICISING THIS, I'M NOT!! - It's just that I know from my own experience that money does not make a happy childhood nor does lack of it mean a miserable one.  I feel that by focusing on one aspect of life (career for financial advancement in later life) you are simply missing out on what is important right now. The little things slip by unnoticed, you go through each day and before you realise, your little girl is all grown-up and starting secondary school. 

We also apparently differ in how we approach communicating with each other - I, on one hand like to say a quick "hello" every day but without intruding with a long protracted conversation whilst he would rather not speak for days (sometimes a week) and then spend an hour.... meaning by the time we do speak I've forgotten stuff (sometimes important stuff I needed to mention) and when something then raises its head he gets ..... um.... fractious.... And blames me for not telling him about it.

We both live very complex lives, this I grant, and are trying our best to move forwards to the next life stage for each of us, but I am struggling to see how I am going to prevent future friction events becoming more common as certain issues are just not going to change anytime soon. 

I'd like to think I can continue to bite my tongue when something upsets me but just not take the moral high ground. I'm sure there are things about me, which annoy the hell out of him so please don't think me thick skinned and cold-hearted!

Pushchairs at 10 paces

I have now been making use, for some weeks, almost every day, of a pram.  Now, as I've stated before, I am not perfect, but equally, this is my fifth child and I do have a few years practice.
I had been on maternity leave for a few months before having my little Chloë and already had a number of observations about the way I'd seen others tackling their pushchairs...
These are as follows...


Firstly,

Women with small children in prams/pushchairs seem to think that when out with said baby transport it is the appropriate opportunity to make some very large purchases (bags of ballpit balls, stair gates, boxes of 1000's of nappies) and either loaded the pushchair up and caused it to become very unstable (i.e breath of wind tips it over) or so wide that it looks like it deserves its own police escort and flashing warning lights (oh, and is still very unstable and tips over when mother lets go again!)

Next,

When pushing a small infant (less than 6 months old) it is essential to use a stroller (which of course does not recline properly) so that small child cannot lie back properly at all and is uncomfortable through-out the shopping trip and cries constantly, which just adds to the enjoyment already being experienced by the mother who is also trying to make a reluctant pre-schooler hold the pushchair and walk at the speed she is pushing it .....

Next,

Mother has decided that "Little Johnny" is far too delicate to walk, despite being 5, being in uniform, and clearly having been just picked up from school.

Next,

Mummy thinks that it is clearly more appropriate to put the shopping in the pushchair and push it whilst carrying the tiny baby ALL the while wearing flip-flops.......

Or even (and to some extent most frustrating to me)

Mummys with children capable of using their feet and wearing shoes, still insisting on using a pushchair, but taking them out of said pushchair on a bus, and leaving the pushchair up in the ridiculously limited space reserved for pushchairs, and refusing to fold them up for those actually needing the space i.e. wheelchair users, disabled or elderly people with walking frames, or even other mummys with very young babies in prams etc who cannot walk. I have been forced to sit with my carrycot on my lap in this situation because I needed to pick one of my other children up from school and there were two very selfish women already using the space - both their children were sat on their laps NOT in their pushchairs!

I have others, but I'll leave it there for now.

I do not often judge people but I hate selfishness. I have always bought my children up to share and think of others and cannot understand why others seem unable to do this simple thing. It is simply courteousness and takes no effort.
I also dislike people who clearly do not think about what they are doing......

Or maybe I'm judgmental and unfair. Either way, it's still shows a lack of fore-thought.

Final countdown....

Some of you might know, by now, that I am currently pregnant with my 5th child.

Because of the circumstances through which I became pregnant, I always knew it was going to be a huge uphill struggle to deal with.

The initial hurdles of dealing with the immense shock for everyone involved, were a foretaste of what was to come, but one I didn't fully take in at the time.

Time has passed, I'm now almost 30 weeks (and everyone agrees that seems to have happened pretty swiftly) & things really have become less settled and as of now, seem to be on a difficult balancing point.
Apart from the fact that I have not had a straight-forward pregnancy itself, there are holes appearing in the whole experience which means I have not enjoyed, am not really enjoying it, and am becoming increasingly scared with my last ever pregnancy and the prospect of giving birth again.

I can now understand how a woman who is single, either through choice or by accident, feels about being pregnant. Even though I actually have people around me - there is just no way that anyone can or will ever be able to support me through this in the "usual" way. I'm certainly not saying that I'm doing this by myself but the milestones and high points of expecting a baby have been pretty lonely because those around cannot participate fully with them for a variety of reasons. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about the joy of feeling baby move, or the scariness of not being able to see all the baby's organs in my scan and having to wait to repeat it. I have no-one to listen to me about the silly little niggles associated with being pregnant, nor to rub my belly with soothing lotion at the end of a long day - it would just be too imposing of me to expect this considering.

I don't regret my choice this time, just as I never regret my decision to have my first child, Lizzie, 18 years ago. I do however, know that this decision will impact the rest of my life just as it did all those years ago, and that I have to deal with the consequences of that, for the main, on my own - despite assurances from others, I believe I am just being realistic in my expectations. And in all honesty, accept that responsibility as my honour.

I want to stress to those around me that I am not pushing any of you away and am pleased to accept the support you do provide, I just want you to know that I understand that this event will be hard for you all. But please don't be afraid to tell me if you need to distance yourselves for a while to deal with it as you must.

We can get through this, but lets not be blind to all the difference it will make and try and work through it.

Didn't I Tell You?....

Yes... I believe I did.... If you refer back to my previous blog post "Aren't We English Folk Queer?", in which I speak about the bizarre behaviour exhibited by the population of the locals when the sun came out, I think you will find I warned against presumptive action...

Well,

I was proven correct...

The unseasonal weather was a momentary hiccup in our normal pattern of English weather, and we are once more back to normal, wet, grey & miserable.

I am very glad that I didn't abandon my winter wardrobe in favour of t-shirts, summer dresses & sandals, I would be looking very silly right about now. Although there are a number of individuals who clearly attempted to do just this - to their detriment - and I have a word of advice or two for them.

In future:

Never trust the sunshine in March - it is un-natural,
Do not buy strappy tops or sandals in the shops before July (unless going on a foreign holiday somewhere it is justified) - you will feel stupid at some point,
Never hang up your winter coat before the end of May - You ARE going to need it again!
Make sure you have an umbrella in your handbag - You will thank me for this even if it seems pointless at first,
and

Try to use your common sense when dressing your children - use yourself as an example.


Maybe next time people will listen to me.

Aren't we English folk queer?

It is the end of March and the weather is predicted to break after a spell of unseasonable heat and sunshine. I've noticed a few things changing in people's behaviour over the last two weeks and would like to share my observations with you.

BBQ's are just an excuse to burn otherwise perfectly edible food...

It's hit double figures - bring out the BBQ!!

Whilst I quite enjoy the pleasures of a well done al fresco dining experience it does take a certain breed of people to take advantage of whatever little sunshine the British weather decides to offer us (taking into account it is only spring) by dragging the gas-powered (or for those with more taste, charcoal) outdoor oven.... Otherwise known as the BBQ. Because lets face it, whilst the temperature has been nice during the daytime, once the sun starts its decent, about 5pm ish, this quickly changes .... I'd personally rather be inside of an evening, then shivering trying to enjoy my food outside.

Style, sophistication.... the string vest just says it all...

The sun's shining, quick get the string vest on!!

Look, I have no doubt that in someone's eyes you are an attractive person, and, in the right situation that vest top is probably the right thing to be wearing (actually, no, it really isn't, not in public) but it is still only Spring, and this is the United Kingdom..... So, Really????  I don't want to see your pasty British arms & hairy back.... Please cover up.... at least until you've made attempts to look like something that hasn't just come out of hibernation.

Because Ice cream is exactly what you need for lunch isn't it??

You do not need an Ice-cream you miserable child...

Yes my darling... I know the sun is out & the omnipresent child-luring ice-cream vans have started to trawl the streets once more like the leeches they are.... but little one, you do not need an ice-cream or an ice-lolly to live, and yes I can handle the temper tantrum & "you hate me" which I know is going to be levelled at me as a response to this..... So.... Tough......
(One day you'll thank me for denying you all those empty calories.... although it might be some way down the road yet)

It only takes a few minutes to cut your nails & polish them...

 Sandals..... with those toenails?

You could, at the very least, have cut them, even if you didn't paint them...... they look like talons..... Please replace the sandals with appropriate footwear until this has been resolved...

And finally.... for now,

Soooo. Who forgot to shave then? 

Ladies, if you are going to wear a skirt....

Don't forget that we British women do neglect our legs during the dark winter months..... so remember to begin the hair removal process now...... or stay in trousers until you decide you are brave enough to do so.



Ah........ The British & their weather!!