I know it's parent's evening but please don't sit on me!

Last night I had the task of facing 3 hours (yes I did say that) of parents evening at my youngest son's school.

I had promised his head of learning that I would attend after we both expressed concern about Mathew's failure to progress at the end of the previous academic year (Year 7 - otherwise known as Year 1 to those of us born before about 1990!!) and as I hadn't been to his previous one it was obviously something which needed addressing.

Arriving in the school atrium my son was forced to sign in (acknowledging that some children fail to turn up though I do, I'm sure that the teachers themselves ARE capable of noting who they see & who they don't) before we went into find the first on the list of appointments.

Now most parents who have attended a parents consultation evening at Secondary education level will know I speak the truth here - YOUR APPOINTMENTS WILL NEVER EVER RUN ON TIME - this is guaranteed. However at the commencement of the scheduled time slots you always carry a hope that this one consultation will be different, and that Miss so-and-so or Mr What's-his-face will be adhering to the allocated 5 minute slots for each set of parent/child combo.......

Like heck....

Generally, however, and I'll be fair here, this is NOT the teacher in question's fault, but the parent attending the meeting..... I have sat waiting in line behind many a full-bodied mother/father team with their poor son or daughter watching (and trying desperately not to listen in) whilst they express great concern/admiration/frustration about poor Tristan/Jemima, waving hands, tugging clothes, son/daughter burying head further & further into chest out of shear embarrassment......

I'm no angel, don't get me wrong, I have strayed over the 5 minutes set aside for me by a minute or two when meeting a specific teacher of one of my kids at some point I'm sure, but where I have been aware of the need to extend the conversation I will always arrange to meet/call & speak another time. It is so unfair on those of us sitting waiting for our turn, to just assume that you can carry on chatting away & not impact the rest of the evening .... especially as you too probably have other teachers waiting to see you too!!

Not only do you have parents taking far too long with teachers, there are those who seem to think that they can make up their own appointment times - excuse me but most of us arranged the times we have for a reason, not so that we can fit around you... please don't assume you can just "squeeze in ahead of us" .... For those working parents for whom fitting in Parent Consultation Evenings is hard enough already, shift workers, those who work long hours, those who use public transport or parents with issues of child care for younger siblings  seeing some "well meaning" parent try to push in before they are due, or because they are running late and have missed their scheduled time slot, they want to "slide in" quickly "hope thats ok?"... er, actually, no. It's not.
It's not my fault you were late. If I was late I wouldn't expect to try and be seen unless it was plainly clear the teacher had no-one sitting waiting for them, and even then, it would have to be with a margin of concern for the next arrival.... And there would be NO WAY I would attempt to get seen before my time unless requested to do so by the teacher as previous appointment had failed to arrive at the event (only possible benefit of the signing in process I mentioned at the beginning of this as that they could check if a particular child had arrived at all)

Finally, and maybe peculiar to myself and my poor children (Mathew & his little sister who had to come along for the ride) please please please.....
always make sure you are aware of your surroundings when sitting in a crowded parents evening hall....

we lost count of the number of times one of us was trodden on, elbowed, had our back hit by the chair behind us, but worst of all was the failed attempt I experienced of someone trying to sit on me because they hadn't noticed they were moving into an occupied chair........

I mean...
Really?
Invisible am I as well as a Mother of 4?

Caring for the carer.

Have you ever offered "to care" for someone when they don't really don't actually want it? (even if they need it)

If every time you try to help them they say "i'm not a baby" or "give it a rest" even, how long before you are no longer going to offer?Even when you do it, it will be with increased reluctance, hesitation and maybe resentment.Surely this is no good to carer or recipient?...

When looking at things from the patients point of perspective, there can be no doubt that having health issues which require support from a carer (be they family, friend or paid worker) will be, at many times, at best, tiring, and worst, darned right depressing... Seeing this through the carers' eyes shows just how undervalued, ignored and imposed a carer can be. Neither situation is perfect!

Without support, space, time or even just a friend to cry on, carers risk losing their identity, a sense of balance and place, and the ability to care. The loss of any of these is not worth thinking about.

Carers need care too.... What can you do to help?

Keep on looking..

Some of you will be aware that I gave up singing in January of this year after what effectively was 30 years of my life being involved in sacred music somehow. Indeed, having sung both in Europe and America, I had achieved some international experience as well as performing in the UK. I had reached a point where attending the church choir I had been a member of for most of my life had ceased to provide me with comfort, enjoyment and that I actually felt hypocritical going, that I couldn't identify with the texts we were singing any more. On my arrival the "prefects" were friendly and went through things but as I sat and waited for the rehearsal to commence I couldn't help one or two things which began to trouble me, although I couldn't put my finger on why at first.

So at first things started well, with some of the members introducing themselves and asking "was I new?" and then warm up, moving into the full rehearsal. Then the first niggle became obvious..... Of the 80 or so participants here, there were only 4 or 5 men, with 1 of them being oo!
Now don't get me wrong, women can sing multi-part harmony (I have frequently done so myself) but if I'd wanted to join an essentially all female choir that is what I'd have chosen - there IS one where I live. But I don't... So I didn't...
Anyway.. To continue, the rehearsal was pleasant enough, classic 60's Motown, arranged for three part harmony (!) and as I said earlier, I was happy to try more modern, lively style than my previous decades of experience, but I couldn't feed of the vibe which was being generated in the school hall by the very large number of very enthusiastic, talented singers. It was a shame really.
There are a couple more things which lead me back to the title of this post.. And how I think I shall "keep on looking"
I mean absolutely no offence here, believe me please, but I am only 35, and one thing I noticed was that on balance, a large proportion of the members were older than me and whilst this means nothing when singing I am looking for something which offers me more. The possibility of companionship, friendship, and commonalities. Someone who may understand what I have been through, am going through and what the future may hold. I felt there was none of this here. At the break, the ladies immediately fell into their obviously formed groups and this is just one of my other pet dislikes about groups of women ... Even though I am one!
Finally came the realisation that I was not offering a valued contribution, being absorbed into such a huge number of singers.
I felt like just a number, indeed, so much focus was placed on the registration fees, the financial aspect, that you could almost feel like just a sum of money... Very disappointing, especially now I'm not working and money is so desperately tight. ... It just added to the unlikliness of my returning.
I'm sorry Rock Choir, but one size does not fit all...

Care for our community... No, just my family please.

I feel very strongly that I should discuss how inadequate the current support systems are for carers who are neither looking after someone elderly, nor who are only caring but are also still bringing up their family, or god forbid (!) working... alongside taking care of either their partner, a parent or someone else.

Through one brick wall after another I have discovered just how many services are set up with elderly care in mind, and find it really difficult to adapt to the needs of a much younger person - someone in their 30's or 40's has very different emotional and psychological requirements to those of a person in their 80's. This is a huge barrier when talking to some service providers who simply cannot seem to get it into their brains that even younger individuals might require personal support etc.
And it doesn't end there.
When asking for support needs to be looked at for the rest of the family, especially as we act as primary carers on a day to day basis, it is taking months to happen - there is nothing in place to help us, to support us, to stop us feeling isolated or stressed out. We know there are options, young carers support, regional carers organisations, but the length of time referrals take to these is painful, leaving my children without any outside support when they could probably really use it...
I understand things do take time, but I also know that I have already given up the one thing which gave our family most of its structure - my work- in order to care for my other half, but we are now reaching the time where if someone doesn't help us soon, somehow, we are going to start arguing more, finding it impossible to be in each others company and generally failing to function as a family in any way at all.

Turning in to a shell of myself

Recently someone asked me what I was doing with my time these days.... I stopped and thought for a second, about to give them a whole long list of of stuff, considering how much of my  time is being taken up with school runs, chasing hospital appointments for my other half & eldest daughter, organising time with my mum and dad, and contacting the various people now in charge of our finances. But then I realised that actually in between these things (which whilst annoying & frequent) don't necessarily take a long time (well sometimes they do - with hospital appointments at Stanmore & Harefield it can take a VERY long time!!) and I am actually left with gaps between them........

I had already started to realise that I was not fulfilling my true self any more, I've long since given up my long held hobbies of singing, playing the viola (anything to do with music except listening) and now that I've stopped working I no long have the companionship of my colleagues, clients or even just the routine of getting up & going to work to help with providing a sense of identity. Not only this but as I've already mentioned, being part of a couple, I am unable to claim anything in my own right - I've been added to my "Partner" .... what a great way of helping to stomp out any chance of improving my self-esteem as a woman. Yet again I feel like I belong to someone - in this case my "Partner" (through no fault of his), but even when it comes to other things, I am So & So's Mum..... once again never just Clare.

I have been very aware that at the beginning of 2010 I was on the verge of going to my GP to admit to feeling depressed, and that whilst I am nowhere near that level now, if I do not find an outlet, some way of being just me, very soon, I am going to become just a shell of myself - which is NOT what I want to do, is no use to either my OH, or my children - I just could not care for any of them in that state. My family need me to be fit and capable, they rely on my ability to help them and I be able to rise to the challenge!

However - and this is now my major problem....

Where once I could ask for help from others - friends to look after the children for a couple of hours so I could go out - I can not do so any more. Our family are either too widespread and unable to help (much as they would wish to) or for whatever reason just don't. There have always been excuses as to why they have been unavailable to babysit - I just don't ask any more.
Ultimately what this translates to is that I either rely on my eldest daughter to look after everyone while I go out (including her father) which considering she herself is out 4 nights a week with Army cadets & choir leaves few spare evenings for her to do so, or entrust the care of my OH in my sons hands, and he is only 15 (almost) and I'm not sure that is fair to do on any regular basis, just so I get an evening out!

So where does that leave things?

Nowhere... really...
Trying to fit something in during the day will not work while we have so many appointments to attend and school runs to do (especially as I have to do them by bus and we ALL know how reliable public transport is) Evenings are out - except in rare occasions - as my family are apparently not good enough to spend time with.

As usual, it's up to me to find some way of holding myself together.... It won't surprise me if I turn to books, my camera & oh yes, writing more..... sorry about that but you have been warned!!