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Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Final countdown....

Some of you might know, by now, that I am currently pregnant with my 5th child.

Because of the circumstances through which I became pregnant, I always knew it was going to be a huge uphill struggle to deal with.

The initial hurdles of dealing with the immense shock for everyone involved, were a foretaste of what was to come, but one I didn't fully take in at the time.

Time has passed, I'm now almost 30 weeks (and everyone agrees that seems to have happened pretty swiftly) & things really have become less settled and as of now, seem to be on a difficult balancing point.
Apart from the fact that I have not had a straight-forward pregnancy itself, there are holes appearing in the whole experience which means I have not enjoyed, am not really enjoying it, and am becoming increasingly scared with my last ever pregnancy and the prospect of giving birth again.

I can now understand how a woman who is single, either through choice or by accident, feels about being pregnant. Even though I actually have people around me - there is just no way that anyone can or will ever be able to support me through this in the "usual" way. I'm certainly not saying that I'm doing this by myself but the milestones and high points of expecting a baby have been pretty lonely because those around cannot participate fully with them for a variety of reasons. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about the joy of feeling baby move, or the scariness of not being able to see all the baby's organs in my scan and having to wait to repeat it. I have no-one to listen to me about the silly little niggles associated with being pregnant, nor to rub my belly with soothing lotion at the end of a long day - it would just be too imposing of me to expect this considering.

I don't regret my choice this time, just as I never regret my decision to have my first child, Lizzie, 18 years ago. I do however, know that this decision will impact the rest of my life just as it did all those years ago, and that I have to deal with the consequences of that, for the main, on my own - despite assurances from others, I believe I am just being realistic in my expectations. And in all honesty, accept that responsibility as my honour.

I want to stress to those around me that I am not pushing any of you away and am pleased to accept the support you do provide, I just want you to know that I understand that this event will be hard for you all. But please don't be afraid to tell me if you need to distance yourselves for a while to deal with it as you must.

We can get through this, but lets not be blind to all the difference it will make and try and work through it.