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Thursday, 15 March 2012

50 Things to do before I turn 50....

Update
I thought I'd revisit this particular post now I've had (yet another) birthday.... and add to my list... otherwise what's the point of it?

I've reached a turning point in my life despite only being 35.
I've also come to realise that I haven't done a lot of the things I said I going to when I was a teenager. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and has influenced who I am at the moment... Confused, uncertain & a little bit scared maybe.
In order to improve my focus (as much as I have any control over my future) I decided recently that I am going to create my very own "Bucket List" ... except that I have no intention of dying when it's completed, but will have reached a new turning point with a whole lot more satisfaction then I reached this current one with.


Hence the title of this post "50 Things to do before I'm 50"...


I am not about to list all the obvious things like go on a road trip, or have a tattoo etc, as that is not what this is about. I'm going to take a look at my life, the people around me & the experiences I have already had and work out a list of things which I feel are important enough to put down on paper (so to speak) and which are achievable... I hope to make my life more interesting, varied & full of life as a direct result of widening my engagement with the world, once more aiming to be a more rounded person at the end of this time.
And whilst my list may seem trivial, or even casual to some, each item on it will carry a huge amount of meaning for me personally, and surely this is what is important, after all, the idea is to help myself reach my potential, and not to become "famous" or even "infamous".... I am not a celebrity, I have no wish for notoriety and cannot see the point in this being the goal of my list.
Whilst I have entitled my post "50 Things To Do Before I'm 50" I shall not be including a list of these things at first... I realise that developing the catalogue will take a little time & serious thought. However, there is 1 thing I can say and that is I'm not adverse to people making suggestions for the list... Indeed you are most welcome to, for you may be able to see chances that I cannot and therefore offer me the opportunity to add something as a result of your more, outside point of view of my existence.
Will you help? I look forward to reading your thoughts. In the meantime I shall start things off with this:


Number 1 - Ride on the back of a motorcycle....


Why? Because I have never done so but see it as a way of experiencing the freedom of movement this mode of transport can offer... Something you cannot achieve in a car (much as I like being in them too)


I will add to this list as inspiration takes me..... and ultimately fulfil the potential it opens up in front of me.


Number 2 - Travel to Barcelona by myself.....
Why? I have always wanted to go to the city and I feel strongly that travelling with others places restrictions on your choices which I would want to avoid.

Number 3 - Fly in a Helicopter.....

I love flying and the idea of being able to fly closer to the ground, and with more of a personal sense of contact with the aircraft is just alluring.

Number 4 - Have my portrait drawn (or painted) ....
Maybe this is just me being a little vain, but I would really like to see how someone else pictures me...

Number 5 - Dress in a Sari....
Number 6 - Learn to Pole Dance....
Number 7 - Sing live on TV for the 2nd time...
Number 8 - Learn to use a sewing machine....
Number 10 - Have a poem or other piece of writing published in print...
Number 11 - learn burlesque ...
Number 12 - have my picture taken "au natural" ....
Number 13 - Learn to box...
Number 14 - Shift the remaining 2 stone I am carrying...
Number 15 - Say "No" to someone and really mean it...

Monday, 12 March 2012

Torn between family and self

As many of you are now aware I have been lucky to return to return to work full time with a fantastic company in Garston, after a period of leave to care for my children and OH after the events of last year (which still, to be honest, rumble on in the background even now)
But whilst this is repairing some of the damage done to my dented (neigh, broken) self-esteem, through allowing me to gradually move back into wider circles of human contact, feel appreciated by others and show my capabilities outside of the home, it does not appear to be resolving the one lasting issue I have as to my ultimate place in society & life.

I've said before in my blog that I do not yet have a "life plan", but even finding a job which is within an organisation with room to grow does not seem to be showing me the way...

And what's worse, I'm getting to realise that I have a small seed of selfishness building inside of me, a sense of "when will it be time for me?" rather than "time for others" .... as it has been always for the last 18 years.

I love my family dearly, but have I done so to the point where I am losing (or have lost) my own identity & any chance of a sense of direction? Is it too late for me to retrieve it? Will I always place others needs above my own? It seems like that at the moment.
I have occasionally put my foot down & said NO, I'm going out, YOU will have to do without me for one evening..... but I then spend the evening feeling guilty. It's no fun, and I'm sure no fun for those around me.

On the other hand, maybe I'm supposed to be the matriarch.. Maybe that's my lot.... Maybe I'm supposed to act as the shepherd and gather others up & keep them safe?

I don't know.
And at the moment it's driving me nuts.