Torn between family and self

As many of you are now aware I have been lucky to return to return to work full time with a fantastic company in Garston, after a period of leave to care for my children and OH after the events of last year (which still, to be honest, rumble on in the background even now)
But whilst this is repairing some of the damage done to my dented (neigh, broken) self-esteem, through allowing me to gradually move back into wider circles of human contact, feel appreciated by others and show my capabilities outside of the home, it does not appear to be resolving the one lasting issue I have as to my ultimate place in society & life.

I've said before in my blog that I do not yet have a "life plan", but even finding a job which is within an organisation with room to grow does not seem to be showing me the way...

And what's worse, I'm getting to realise that I have a small seed of selfishness building inside of me, a sense of "when will it be time for me?" rather than "time for others" .... as it has been always for the last 18 years.

I love my family dearly, but have I done so to the point where I am losing (or have lost) my own identity & any chance of a sense of direction? Is it too late for me to retrieve it? Will I always place others needs above my own? It seems like that at the moment.
I have occasionally put my foot down & said NO, I'm going out, YOU will have to do without me for one evening..... but I then spend the evening feeling guilty. It's no fun, and I'm sure no fun for those around me.

On the other hand, maybe I'm supposed to be the matriarch.. Maybe that's my lot.... Maybe I'm supposed to act as the shepherd and gather others up & keep them safe?

I don't know.

And at the moment it's driving me nuts.