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Monday, 29 November 2010

A definition of friendship...


Are you really being my friend…


Is your definition of friendship?
Are you someone who never begins a conversation only responds when I do?
Someone who thinks that they don’t have to get anything meaningful out of their relationship with me?
Someone who, because they think they’re doing the best for me, never asks what what need?
Someone who knows that I never have a “good weekend” but says it all the same…
Someone who used to just put their arm around me, or hold my hand. But not now…

If it isn’t, then let me know, because at the moment it sure feels like it.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

No longer straight forward...

Once upon a time life was really rather straight forward. I knew who I was, everyone treated me the same, and called me the same, either “mummy”, or “so-and-so’s mum” or “Mrs Turton”.... if I was lucky.
Things were predictable, to a certain extent, in as much as I knew I had school runs to do at certain times, there would be food shopping needed on particular days, choir practice on Friday evening etc etc..
Even the “unexpectedness” which having children brings was to some degree, routine, as each of my children in turn would make the same mistake, learn the same lessons and develop the same life skills. Not that it wasn’t exiting watching them learning to speak, or walk or ride a bike, but once you have done it once, or twice, somehow it is just not quite as “unpredictable” as it was the previous occasions. It is a little sad to think about it in a way.

Anyway,
All this has changed. And I’m not completely convinced that the change is entirely for the good.
It’s not that I don’t like variety, in fact I do! I really enjoy having a change of perspective and colour to things, it just that what happened in this case has destroyed any certainty I might have had in my sense of self.
I don’t who I am any more... I’m not sure who to be. I’m not sure what’s expected of me, and I am so unsure where I’m going it us beginning to really frustrate me. I want to scream sometimes and it is just not like me.
I’m sure it’s not helping my children either, especially, especially my eldest, who is just getting to the point in her life where she needs certainty and someone near her who can be a source of constancy, and this is just another reason to be frustrated.

However,

One thing I’m not going to do is to worry myself to the point of making myself ill over it. I am going to have to find a way to get through this. I don’t know how yet, and I don’t know how long it will take, but I am sure it will happen.  I also don’t know whether I’ll find the answers by myself or with someone else’s guidance, but I’m prepared to wait and find out.

Another of life’s challenges and part of the journey.





Tuesday, 23 November 2010

So much lost...

I know they say a picture says a thousand word, but I seem to able to manage to say enough just using good ol' fashioned English.
Having told someone exactly what I felt recently, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I found it incredibly hard to do. It took several hours to pull together exactly what I wanted to say, and even then I was still not completely happy with what I saw.

What I'm realising now is that, despite my best attempts with words, nothing can say what you truly mean. There is still so much of what I had to say that I've lost the opportunity to. I'll regret it forever.

No, pictures,
No Words,

Nothing can say what really needs to be said.

Only actions.

Monday, 15 November 2010

I've Changed my mind..

I have so much I need to say to the people who have had the most impact on my life, that if I was to start now it would probably take me until the new century dawns to finish...I don't have that long!

Sadly some of those I have met in my relatively short life, have done nothing but leave pain and angst behind them, and unfortunately this is their legacy.

But this is not about these people!

This is about the others who meanwhile, whether they have stayed for just a few hours, weeks, months, or even years, have been the most positive influences on what I have become and will become in the future.

I have decided that it is my duty, nay, honour, to thank you all from the bottom of my heart...

From the friend I had at junior school (whose brother worked for Pratt's Bananas - funny the things you remember) but who only stayed for one term....

To the one person in this world who means absolutely everything to me.. you know who you are!


You have all left something of yourselves with me, which I treasure and will hold dear. Whatever memories I have of the time we shared, will be used to remember what it was I learned from you & just how much you helped me grow.


So,

I need to shout out a huge "THANK YOU" to you all.....You have no idea just how much you all mean to me.