Aggghhh...

Once again I'm fighting against too many bad-guys.

I've no job, my kids are growing and need things, simple things like a bigger bed, and I can't give it to them.
Add to this the fact that I'm seen as their enemy half the time, their bank, quarter of the time and someone they can ignore the rest of the time and you've got a great combination.

I'm in, possibly the most complex relationship possible, and can't see the light at the end of the promised tunnel.

And, where once I had my health, recent results call even this into question.

If I could deal with any one of these on its own, I'm sure I'd be fine. But I'm no clown and can't juggle so everything is now getting to be a complete handful.

What the hell am I supposed to hold on to now? ....

Are you ready for this?

I have to get this off my chest.. Sorry, I know you hate it!

I am fed up of being compared to others - especially someone who is plainly incapable, inadequate and has done nothing but damage peoples lives! Being told I'm a "nice" change, is so soul destroying. It's hardly a glowing comparison to be making, and says nothing about how I stand as my own person. I have never had someone look at me and tell me what they see - only ever had comparison, be it to mother, ex, someone else they know or "celebrity" ... I really don't know who I am.

In the past 10 months, I have waded through a life of contradiction, trying to hide some things but knowing that I couldn't live a lie even if others still were. And yet, although I have made steps forwards, I've walked right into another brick wall - thrown up by yet someone else! Someone who, by all accounts, wishes to mess around with the ones who mean most to me just to get their own way. They also seem to have the support of others, and have "weapons" in one form or another, by which they are hoping to achieve this.

I want to scream!!!

In my head is a little voice saying "get out", "run away" "you don't need this" "maybe they'll never be able to sort it"...

But my heart says "don't leave them behind" "you need them" "they need you" "it will change"...

I have a lot of me invested in this, but then again, I've been here, done that, once already and look where it got me!

With the apparent conflict in the situations others find themselves in having huge impact on my life, I am now stuck in a situation where I cannot move my life forward. I really want to be a more positive, energetic, vibrant person, happy to bring my children up no matter what life throws at me. But, and again, a big but, is that until I know for certain just what place others wish to have or have to choose to have in my (our) lives, that can't (won't) happen. I have no control over this because if I just make one of the possible decisions, it will hurt too many others and I can't bring myself to do that either.  I just don't want to stay in a perpetual state of "suspended animation" I'm human. I'm young. I'm healthy and I have so much to give to whoever chooses to accept it. I don't want to look back at the past - if I can't stay in the present (sometimes that is too sad) then I want to look forward to the future and if all that is happening is a replay of a broken record reminding me of the past, then this isn't going to be possible either.

Someone used a phrase in the last couple of days which captures how things feel right now - "like a flat, barren landscape" - featureless, and unexciting, but in some ways, I don't mind that, I'd rather this, than a huge sea of peaks and troughs, leaving me floundering for breath. But, and it's a huge but, I'd like to know that there is something out there for me.

Somewhere............????

 but at the moment, I can't see it anywhere......

The trials of modern parenting..

Some of you are aware that my youngest's daughter's daddy does not live with us and that she has very restricted access to him - not through his choice I must add - and many of you will, no doubt, know just how difficult this makes bringing up a child.

I also know that the choice I made to have her was mine alone but, and it is a significant but, her daddy has made it clear that he wishes to be involved in the decisions I take which impact her, and that he wants to involve himself in her life when he can. 

Fine, this is admirable, and I would like nothing more than this. 

But, and again another significant but...

There seem to be differences in opinion as to what "being involved" actually mean (inevitable) and what are the important things in a childs' life (again, inevitable considering our differing upbringings) Where in my world, spending time holding her, singing to her, feeding her, bathing, and yes, even changing her nappy are the things which are important, showing her that you want to spend your time with her - maintaining eye contact, letting her know you want to be with her and making her feel loved and special. 

In his, it is the financial security offered by him being in a good job - NOW BEFORE ANYONE COMPLAINS I AM CRITICISING THIS, I'M NOT!! - It's just that I know from my own experience that money does not make a happy childhood nor does lack of it mean a miserable one.  I feel that by focusing on one aspect of life (career for financial advancement in later life) you are simply missing out on what is important right now. The little things slip by unnoticed, you go through each day and before you realise, your little girl is all grown-up and starting secondary school. 

We also apparently differ in how we approach communicating with each other - I, on one hand like to say a quick "hello" every day but without intruding with a long protracted conversation whilst he would rather not speak for days (sometimes a week) and then spend an hour.... meaning by the time we do speak I've forgotten stuff (sometimes important stuff I needed to mention) and when something then raises its head he gets ..... um.... fractious.... And blames me for not telling him about it.

We both live very complex lives, this I grant, and are trying our best to move forwards to the next life stage for each of us, but I am struggling to see how I am going to prevent future friction events becoming more common as certain issues are just not going to change anytime soon. 

I'd like to think I can continue to bite my tongue when something upsets me but just not take the moral high ground. I'm sure there are things about me, which annoy the hell out of him so please don't think me thick skinned and cold-hearted!

Pushchairs at 10 paces

I have now been making use, for some weeks, almost every day, of a pram.  Now, as I've stated before, I am not perfect, but equally, this is my fifth child and I do have a few years practice.
I had been on maternity leave for a few months before having my little Chloë and already had a number of observations about the way I'd seen others tackling their pushchairs...
These are as follows...


Firstly,

Women with small children in prams/pushchairs seem to think that when out with said baby transport it is the appropriate opportunity to make some very large purchases (bags of ballpit balls, stair gates, boxes of 1000's of nappies) and either loaded the pushchair up and caused it to become very unstable (i.e breath of wind tips it over) or so wide that it looks like it deserves its own police escort and flashing warning lights (oh, and is still very unstable and tips over when mother lets go again!)

Next,

When pushing a small infant (less than 6 months old) it is essential to use a stroller (which of course does not recline properly) so that small child cannot lie back properly at all and is uncomfortable through-out the shopping trip and cries constantly, which just adds to the enjoyment already being experienced by the mother who is also trying to make a reluctant pre-schooler hold the pushchair and walk at the speed she is pushing it .....

Next,

Mother has decided that "Little Johnny" is far too delicate to walk, despite being 5, being in uniform, and clearly having been just picked up from school.

Next,

Mummy thinks that it is clearly more appropriate to put the shopping in the pushchair and push it whilst carrying the tiny baby ALL the while wearing flip-flops.......

Or even (and to some extent most frustrating to me)

Mummys with children capable of using their feet and wearing shoes, still insisting on using a pushchair, but taking them out of said pushchair on a bus, and leaving the pushchair up in the ridiculously limited space reserved for pushchairs, and refusing to fold them up for those actually needing the space i.e. wheelchair users, disabled or elderly people with walking frames, or even other mummys with very young babies in prams etc who cannot walk. I have been forced to sit with my carrycot on my lap in this situation because I needed to pick one of my other children up from school and there were two very selfish women already using the space - both their children were sat on their laps NOT in their pushchairs!

I have others, but I'll leave it there for now.

I do not often judge people but I hate selfishness. I have always bought my children up to share and think of others and cannot understand why others seem unable to do this simple thing. It is simply courteousness and takes no effort.
I also dislike people who clearly do not think about what they are doing......

Or maybe I'm judgmental and unfair. Either way, it's still shows a lack of fore-thought.

Final countdown....

Some of you might know, by now, that I am currently pregnant with my 5th child.

Because of the circumstances through which I became pregnant, I always knew it was going to be a huge uphill struggle to deal with.

The initial hurdles of dealing with the immense shock for everyone involved, were a foretaste of what was to come, but one I didn't fully take in at the time.

Time has passed, I'm now almost 30 weeks (and everyone agrees that seems to have happened pretty swiftly) & things really have become less settled and as of now, seem to be on a difficult balancing point.
Apart from the fact that I have not had a straight-forward pregnancy itself, there are holes appearing in the whole experience which means I have not enjoyed, am not really enjoying it, and am becoming increasingly scared with my last ever pregnancy and the prospect of giving birth again.

I can now understand how a woman who is single, either through choice or by accident, feels about being pregnant. Even though I actually have people around me - there is just no way that anyone can or will ever be able to support me through this in the "usual" way. I'm certainly not saying that I'm doing this by myself but the milestones and high points of expecting a baby have been pretty lonely because those around cannot participate fully with them for a variety of reasons. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about the joy of feeling baby move, or the scariness of not being able to see all the baby's organs in my scan and having to wait to repeat it. I have no-one to listen to me about the silly little niggles associated with being pregnant, nor to rub my belly with soothing lotion at the end of a long day - it would just be too imposing of me to expect this considering.

I don't regret my choice this time, just as I never regret my decision to have my first child, Lizzie, 18 years ago. I do however, know that this decision will impact the rest of my life just as it did all those years ago, and that I have to deal with the consequences of that, for the main, on my own - despite assurances from others, I believe I am just being realistic in my expectations. And in all honesty, accept that responsibility as my honour.

I want to stress to those around me that I am not pushing any of you away and am pleased to accept the support you do provide, I just want you to know that I understand that this event will be hard for you all. But please don't be afraid to tell me if you need to distance yourselves for a while to deal with it as you must.

We can get through this, but lets not be blind to all the difference it will make and try and work through it.

Didn't I Tell You?....

Yes... I believe I did.... If you refer back to my previous blog post "Aren't We English Folk Queer?", in which I speak about the bizarre behaviour exhibited by the population of the locals when the sun came out, I think you will find I warned against presumptive action...

Well,

I was proven correct...

The unseasonal weather was a momentary hiccup in our normal pattern of English weather, and we are once more back to normal, wet, grey & miserable.

I am very glad that I didn't abandon my winter wardrobe in favour of t-shirts, summer dresses & sandals, I would be looking very silly right about now. Although there are a number of individuals who clearly attempted to do just this - to their detriment - and I have a word of advice or two for them.

In future:

Never trust the sunshine in March - it is un-natural,
Do not buy strappy tops or sandals in the shops before July (unless going on a foreign holiday somewhere it is justified) - you will feel stupid at some point,
Never hang up your winter coat before the end of May - You ARE going to need it again!
Make sure you have an umbrella in your handbag - You will thank me for this even if it seems pointless at first,
and

Try to use your common sense when dressing your children - use yourself as an example.


Maybe next time people will listen to me.

Aren't we English folk queer?

It is the end of March and the weather is predicted to break after a spell of unseasonable heat and sunshine. I've noticed a few things changing in people's behaviour over the last two weeks and would like to share my observations with you.

BBQ's are just an excuse to burn otherwise perfectly edible food...

It's hit double figures - bring out the BBQ!!

Whilst I quite enjoy the pleasures of a well done al fresco dining experience it does take a certain breed of people to take advantage of whatever little sunshine the British weather decides to offer us (taking into account it is only spring) by dragging the gas-powered (or for those with more taste, charcoal) outdoor oven.... Otherwise known as the BBQ. Because lets face it, whilst the temperature has been nice during the daytime, once the sun starts its decent, about 5pm ish, this quickly changes .... I'd personally rather be inside of an evening, then shivering trying to enjoy my food outside.

Style, sophistication.... the string vest just says it all...

The sun's shining, quick get the string vest on!!

Look, I have no doubt that in someone's eyes you are an attractive person, and, in the right situation that vest top is probably the right thing to be wearing (actually, no, it really isn't, not in public) but it is still only Spring, and this is the United Kingdom..... So, Really????  I don't want to see your pasty British arms & hairy back.... Please cover up.... at least until you've made attempts to look like something that hasn't just come out of hibernation.

Because Ice cream is exactly what you need for lunch isn't it??

You do not need an Ice-cream you miserable child...

Yes my darling... I know the sun is out & the omnipresent child-luring ice-cream vans have started to trawl the streets once more like the leeches they are.... but little one, you do not need an ice-cream or an ice-lolly to live, and yes I can handle the temper tantrum & "you hate me" which I know is going to be levelled at me as a response to this..... So.... Tough......
(One day you'll thank me for denying you all those empty calories.... although it might be some way down the road yet)

It only takes a few minutes to cut your nails & polish them...

 Sandals..... with those toenails?

You could, at the very least, have cut them, even if you didn't paint them...... they look like talons..... Please replace the sandals with appropriate footwear until this has been resolved...

And finally.... for now,

Soooo. Who forgot to shave then? 

Ladies, if you are going to wear a skirt....

Don't forget that we British women do neglect our legs during the dark winter months..... so remember to begin the hair removal process now...... or stay in trousers until you decide you are brave enough to do so.



Ah........ The British & their weather!!

50 Things to do before I turn 50....

Update
I thought I'd revisit this particular post now I've had (yet another) birthday.... and add to my list... otherwise what's the point of it?

I've reached a turning point in my life despite only being 35.
I've also come to realise that I haven't done a lot of the things I said I going to when I was a teenager. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and has influenced who I am at the moment... Confused, uncertain & a little bit scared maybe.
In order to improve my focus (as much as I have any control over my future) I decided recently that I am going to create my very own "Bucket List" ... except that I have no intention of dying when it's completed, but will have reached a new turning point with a whole lot more satisfaction then I reached this current one with.


Hence the title of this post "50 Things to do before I'm 50"...


I am not about to list all the obvious things like go on a road trip, or have a tattoo etc, as that is not what this is about. I'm going to take a look at my life, the people around me & the experiences I have already had and work out a list of things which I feel are important enough to put down on paper (so to speak) and which are achievable... I hope to make my life more interesting, varied & full of life as a direct result of widening my engagement with the world, once more aiming to be a more rounded person at the end of this time.
And whilst my list may seem trivial, or even casual to some, each item on it will carry a huge amount of meaning for me personally, and surely this is what is important, after all, the idea is to help myself reach my potential, and not to become "famous" or even "infamous".... I am not a celebrity, I have no wish for notoriety and cannot see the point in this being the goal of my list.
Whilst I have entitled my post "50 Things To Do Before I'm 50" I shall not be including a list of these things at first... I realise that developing the catalogue will take a little time & serious thought. However, there is 1 thing I can say and that is I'm not adverse to people making suggestions for the list... Indeed you are most welcome to, for you may be able to see chances that I cannot and therefore offer me the opportunity to add something as a result of your more, outside point of view of my existence.
Will you help? I look forward to reading your thoughts. In the meantime I shall start things off with this:


Number 1 - Ride on the back of a motorcycle....


Why? Because I have never done so but see it as a way of experiencing the freedom of movement this mode of transport can offer... Something you cannot achieve in a car (much as I like being in them too)


I will add to this list as inspiration takes me..... and ultimately fulfil the potential it opens up in front of me.


Number 2 - Travel to Barcelona by myself.....
Why? I have always wanted to go to the city and I feel strongly that travelling with others places restrictions on your choices which I would want to avoid.

Number 3 - Fly in a Helicopter.....

I love flying and the idea of being able to fly closer to the ground, and with more of a personal sense of contact with the aircraft is just alluring.

Number 4 - Have my portrait drawn (or painted) ....
Maybe this is just me being a little vain, but I would really like to see how someone else pictures me...

Number 5 - Dress in a Sari....
Number 6 - Learn to Pole Dance....
Number 7 - Sing live on TV for the 2nd time...
Number 8 - Learn to use a sewing machine....
Number 10 - Have a poem or other piece of writing published in print...
Number 11 - learn burlesque ...
Number 12 - have my picture taken "au natural" ....
Number 13 - Learn to box...
Number 14 - Shift the remaining 2 stone I am carrying...
Number 15 - Say "No" to someone and really mean it...

Torn between family and self

As many of you are now aware I have been lucky to return to return to work full time with a fantastic company in Garston, after a period of leave to care for my children and OH after the events of last year (which still, to be honest, rumble on in the background even now)
But whilst this is repairing some of the damage done to my dented (neigh, broken) self-esteem, through allowing me to gradually move back into wider circles of human contact, feel appreciated by others and show my capabilities outside of the home, it does not appear to be resolving the one lasting issue I have as to my ultimate place in society & life.

I've said before in my blog that I do not yet have a "life plan", but even finding a job which is within an organisation with room to grow does not seem to be showing me the way...

And what's worse, I'm getting to realise that I have a small seed of selfishness building inside of me, a sense of "when will it be time for me?" rather than "time for others" .... as it has been always for the last 18 years.

I love my family dearly, but have I done so to the point where I am losing (or have lost) my own identity & any chance of a sense of direction? Is it too late for me to retrieve it? Will I always place others needs above my own? It seems like that at the moment.
I have occasionally put my foot down & said NO, I'm going out, YOU will have to do without me for one evening..... but I then spend the evening feeling guilty. It's no fun, and I'm sure no fun for those around me.

On the other hand, maybe I'm supposed to be the matriarch.. Maybe that's my lot.... Maybe I'm supposed to act as the shepherd and gather others up & keep them safe?

I don't know.

And at the moment it's driving me nuts.

How having a carer can make things worse....

As most of you will know, my OH had a heart attack last summer adding to his already complex issues, and forcing me to give up work in order to care for both him & my children. This was a very difficult time for us all & on his initial discharge we received absolutely no help from anyone - we managed because the children were all off school for the summer holidays - but it was very tiring.

When the new school term begun the adult care team had finally realised that in order for us to function as near normal as possible some kind of assistance would be required & they agreed to have a carer organised to visit every weekday morning, for about 30 minutes, to help my OH wake, take his medication, wash, dress & join the rest of the world, whilst I completed the 2-hour round trip to do my youngest daughters school run. At first this seemed to help. I would arrive home at just before 10am and find him sat downstairs, with a warm drink, or at the very least, having had a wash & back on the bed maybe watching iPlayer.... Then over the next 3 months the number of different care staff we saw gradually increased, the frequency with which they turned up late (his medication was supposed to be taken between 8 & 9am which is when they were supposed to arrive) or not show up at all also began to get higher, and by the week before Christmas we found that they failed to show up more often they arrived....

What this meant was three-fold 1) Andy was regularly missing a complete set of his medication doses & having to and rearrange the rest of the days tablets to take account 2) Hospital, GP & other appointments were missed or arrived late at & 3) There was no regularity to his days - if I did not go straight home after the school run because of needing to do shopping or something, for example, then Andy might not get up till lunchtime one day, but if the carer showed up, then it might be 8am the next.

We had received a letter from the company providing the care service, asking us what we wanted to do between Christmas & New Year and this made us stop and think about the whole thing. Having sent the letter back saying that we would get by without anyone coming in at all for this period, we managed to function again without the unreliability & frustration of not knowing who & when and if anyone would actually turn up... Okay, this was another school holiday, but sitting down and talking to the children too during this time, we decided that actually there was no point actually having this service. It provided no real support to Andy, or us as a family, indeed it had actually become a bit of a noose around our necks.So we got in touch with both Adult care services & the care provider & cancelled the service.

What this decision has left is a manic morning routine, the need for me to call & check that Andy is awake whilst I am out doing the school run and generally a tiring start to the day. But we are all agreed that it was the right choice to make. It now frees up the carer for someone elderly or frail who does not have the support of a family on hand (as Andy does) whilst saving us the frustration we were experiencing before Christmas of expecting a process to be carried out & finding that it hadn't.



Once more, it proves that you can really only rely on yourself & those closest to you when push comes to shove.

Ok, I didn't want to do this but...

I know it's the run up to Christmas an'all, but I've been very observant recently (some people might call it nosey) and there have been an increasing list of things I've seen which are getting on my nerves.
I've already blogged about the irritating habit shown by some women who apparently lose their capacity for thought when they give birth, and fail to show their children simple lessons in how to behave towards others, but this was just the start of it.

I am NOT going to pretend that I am perfect - NEVER guilty of a silly mistake, or not realising that I'm doing something which might cause an inconvenience to another person BUT (and it, as far as I'm concerned is a big BUT) I am also able to admit my inadequacies, failings, weaknesses... whatever you wish to call them, and apologise when I have caused something to get in the way of one of my fellow human beings. Not something I see happening very often sadly.

So here, for your reading pleasure is a list of all my complaints about the world...... (I'm sure you can add some - please feel free to comment at the appropriate moment!!)

1. If you are using public transport & are accompanied by small children (or not so small bags of shopping) and there are seats close to the front not required by those less able than yourself - SIT IN THEM!!
Please do not traipse down the vehicle right to the back, no matter how much little "milly" or "frank" might beg.... all you are doing is delaying the departure of the bus for everyone else, and said small person is at risk of falling up the inevitable stairs at points along the gangway of the bus, causing them discomfort and you to lose your temper .....

2. Again, If using said public transport & you have to bring on a wheel case of some sort (i.e you are lucky enough to be going away or just possibly carrying a laptop in one of those poncey wheeled cases - or even, dare I mention, a damnable shopping trolley) SIT AS CLOSE TO THE FRONT AS POSSIBLE!!

The rest of the passengers do not wish to have their shins, toes or other bodily parts damaged by your luggage. And besides this there is not enough space for the aforementioned luggage between the seats unless you are going to be selfish enough to take up two by yourself.

3. When out shopping with your family & your mobile phone rings, it is probably a good idea to keep this item somewhere you can get to it fairly quickly - i.e. your coat pocket or just maybe a handbag pocket if you feel a little more secure with this. WE DO NOT ALL WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID RINGTONES!!

I, myself, have had my fill of Rihanna, JLS, Take That etc......coming out of a mobile device speaker which produces, at best crap quality sounding music......especially when it is just a short burst going round and round and round until your voicemail decides to pick up (thats if you ever got around to setting it up!)

4. I actually don't care what happened on YOUR night out! ..... Funny that, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. So PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN!
I do not want to listen to half a telephone conversation & no, I'm not eavesdropping, its the individuals who seem unable (or unwilling) to keep their voices down whilst holding a chat with someone on their mobile in the middle of a public space - shopping centre, bus station, cafe, bus...... you name a place & I've probably been subjected to a half-convo there!

5. As parents (well some of us are anyway) you become familiar with particular behaviours exhibited by children, especially when they are small - pulling hats, gloves & socks off are all games they love to play - not many small people like them on.... HOWEVER.... if YOU as the responsible mother or father are out on a cold winters day wearing nothing but a sleeveless top, leggings and sandals (yes, I've seen this at least a dozen times in the past month alone) then how is YOUR child going to understand that THEY need these things on? You are the example they follow..... DRESS APPROPRIATELY..... Help them learn that in the cold they need to wrap up, not expose themselves!!


Okay.......

I'll stop there for fear of being accused of, well being a miserable old cow........ and start looking for positive role models in my local population.

I'll let you know when I find any.

Why social media can get you job .. or .. plaster yourself over cyberspace!

Readers of my blog over the recent few months will know that I've been getting every desperate - to get back to work! But that despite trying everything (so I thought) I was getting nowhere.... I had spent hours online hours applying for almost everything I could find, got hold of "local" papers and combed the pages for adverts I could apply for, and then walked around my town high street handing out my CV left, right & centre, and filling out so many application forms I got cramp in my hand!!
And still I only got 2 interviews, neither of which came to anything............... it was heartbreaking.

Now, as someone who uses social media to communicate with friends & family on a daily basis (and had gone so far in putting myself out on these platforms) even I hadn't fully appreciated just how powerful SM could actually be.
Once I actually realised this, I started to push as much as I felt was acceptable, on all the streams I used each day - Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn etc, and found that when my contacts realised what was happening they began to respond to my requests in a positive way, either by showing me places to look (specific websites etc) or by offering to keep their ears & eyes open for positions which they could refer me to.

SO.....
It was through one of my contacts placing a job advert up on Facebook that I applied for & the subsequent conversations arranging the interviews via Twitter that I now have the post I'm in now.

In my interview my new boss was quite open about the fact that they had found it amusing to see how "widespread" I was over Social Media, and that my LinkedIn profile was really useful, both facts I was rather pleased about - and had worked quite hard to achieve - so to have this recognised was satisfying.

Words of advice...

1) Make sure your LinkedIn profile is complete - it is your online CV & will be looked at - DON'T FOOL YOURSELF IN TO THINKING IT'S A WHITE ELEPHANT!

2) Make sure you clean up your behaviour on your Facebook & Twitter streams - I'm not saying you should become a robot, just watch what you are saying and control your temper!

3) Start writing a blog - Choose a topic you are really comfortable about & can write about regularly and reliably about (a hobby, favourite film genre or anything) and make sure you post links to your blogs out on your other Social Media streams whenever you write a new article & if they are less frequent than weekly, repost the link every week.

4) Get an up to date photo of yourself & use it uniformly across your social media platforms - please don't choose one of you in a silly pose or as part of a group - try and get one taken of you looking comfortable, well let & tidy - this will be a reference point for people when they meet you after seeing you on your profiles (especially in an interview situation)

Anything else than this should be common sense - just get yourself out there and keep asking your contacts to help you out! You never know... it might just be "who you know" and not "what you know" .....

Pop music Icons.

I was born in the 1970's but even as a little girl growing up in the 80's I listened to music constantly and by the age of 4 I wanted to be involved in playing music somehow. Now, by this time my family and I were living in the South-East, in Chesham, Buckinghamshire, and my nursery school didn't have the facilities to offer me that opportunity so I had to wait until my mum, brother & I moved to our own home (we had been living with our Grandparents) across the county border in Hertfordshire, to a new school and in fact had the chance to join a church choir some 16 months later, aged nearly 6, and even then I was only allowed to do practices and the Sunday morning service.
It wasn't until I was 7 that I was given the space to partake in the full life of the choir, join in with weddings, evensong and all the Christmas, Easter & the whole joy of music involved in the chorister's world. Shortly after this I began Guitar lessons and soon after this Violin lessons too. and by the age of 16 I had learned 7 different musical instruments.

Meantime the 80's music scene was filled with individuals & bands I can only describe now, as Icons. Names I now look back at with wonder & remember fondly & sing along with, remembering the words of the huge tracks that they released during my childhood. Bands such as Mr Mister & tracks like "Broken Wings" http://youtu.be/aWyeVfuolT4, or Bonnie Tyler "Hero" http://youtu.be/7f_HsjpSVaI and The Bangle "Walk Like an Egyptian" http://youtu.be/BWP-AsG5DRk, as just a very small selection. I bet you could add so many many more!!

As I reached my teenage years, I began to have the chance to buy my first singles & albums (on tape - Freiheit "Keeping the Dream alive http://youtu.be/w9aYrHzEW-w" Michael Jackson Black or White)
and eventually I even owned my own tape player & Walkman. This last piece of kit was a Christmas present and was a Sony Walkman & must have cost my mum a lot of money so I treasured it greatly. But it allowed me to listen to the music of those bands of the 80's & 90's I now feel influenced my early exposure to music as well as my continued love of it.

It's hard not to become disheartened...

As most of you will know I have been looking for work for some weeks (and YES, I realise that compared to many many others this is nothing) and in that time have made several hundred applications for jobs as far away from home as Surrey, Milton Keynes, and Oxford as well as everything & anything I could find close to home.

My outbox is full of the emails I have sent in application for posts but (maybe not surprisingly to those of you who have been through this situation) my inbox is fairly sparsely populated with responses - either of acknowledgement or with a resulting interview appointment/rejection etc.

Now I also realise that in most cases there is one person responding to these job applications & that they will almost definitely be overwhelmed by the number of interested candidates, but with email systems nowadays it is no great deal to set up a responder to such applications, so that people sending in their CV's etc know that they HAVE actually arrived at their destination, and not disappeared into the www somewhere. It would also allow those needing to keep a record of their application history (whilst claiming unemployment benefits say) to prove to the relevant people that they were indeed making the effort & not just saying that they had sent off their details for a job and not had a reply.

I have now been for interview twice in the last month for completely different roles - neither of which have resulted in any positive outcome. Obviously I haven't been lucky enough (and yes I do believe that luck plays a big part in this process - how else could you explain some of the things I've seen?) to be given the role I was interviewed for, but neither was I able to gain any insight into why I was felt unsuitable for the role. In the first case the employer I went to see are now ignoring my emails & calls after initially stating that they would "put some thoughts together" The second interview for which I only got the rejection this morning, have said that "they found a candidate with a better profile" ... but would be no more specific than that.

I have spent a lot of time applying for, pretty much, anything I felt I was capable of, which realistically is quite a lot considering my skills are widely transferable (and no I'm not blowing my own horn, this is what other people have said about me!) but I am now really concerned that considering the amount of competition for jobs, if I narrow my search down to jobs which people genuinely felt fit my skillset then maybe I wouldn't be wasting my own time, that of the people to whom I'm applying & reducing the competition a little, helping someone else maybe?

On the other hand, if I was to restrict the number of jobs applications I sent out would I be cutting off my nose to spite my face?

I'm now more than just a little bit confused... and more than a little disheartened by the whole thing.

Look I know its hard to be a mum but when did you loose your brain?

A couple of days ago I was on a bus bringing my youngest home from school (the last of my 8 buses a day routine) when a couple of stops later I noticed two young women with prams waiting to get on.

Now, at the stop my daughter and I had boarded the bus, a woman with serious walking difficulties & her son had also got on, and taken a seat at the front of the vehicle, along with her walking frame - using one of the two spaces which can also be used by prams/pushchairs. This meant the room left for such users was now reduced to either a single pram (ie one which was lying back) or a couple of pushchairs (strollers) which take up a bit less space.

The two women got to the bus, the first took up the empty area, and used it up obviously, then the second got on and stood in the aisle, looking at the lady with her son, until they obviously felt so uncomfortable with this that they felt forced to move very slowly & painfully much further down the bus!!
I was livid!!!

What on earth gave that young lady the right to expect this less-able woman to give up the seat she needed close to the exit, just because they couldn't be bothered to wait just 15 minutes longer for the next one?

I'm not unfeeling.

I have personal experience of the difficulty of using public transport with young children, and all the paraphernalia which accompanies them. I have four children & at one point my three eldest children were all under 4 years old, but I also know (again through my own personal experience as well as through living with someone who has disabilities) that getting around on buses, trains etc. when you ARE less able bodied is a near impossibility unless other people show care, respect & thoughtfulness - something which seems to be lacking in some younger people, including parents, nowadays. I would very often collapse my pram/pushchair in order to allow a wheelchair user access to the dedicated space on the bus I was travelling on if required because of the infrequency of such buses on some of the routes in our town. If there was a mum with a younger child & I was already using the space, again I would take which ever one of my children was in the pushchair out, and fold it, allowing them the use of the space - it is far more practical to sit with a youngster of 12 or 18 months old on your lap, than a tiny baby of a few weeks or even 6 months old.

What I also can't understand is the complete disdain shown on the faces of people when they are asked if they would mind moving to allow someone to share the space they are in or give it up. Would they prefer the new arrival to just barge in? Or are they so arrogant that they feel they own the air they breathe, the seat they are sitting on, the space they occupy?

Any way to end this discussion on the brainlessness of mothers....

When we gave birth we introduced a new life into a world which is hard enough already without our bad examples. Surely it is our duty to show our children the the ways in which to live with everyone around us. How to show respect to all those who share our world is one of the simplest lessons we should impart to our offspring - is it so hard to include this in the daily actions we do ourselves along with teaching our children to read, write, put on their shoes, and feed themselves.

Where is life taking you?

When was the first time you stopped and thought about where your life was taking you?

I am only 35, but I have experienced much more in those 35 years then many people of my generation have, as not only have I been married for over 17 of those years, I have 4 children (ranging in age from 16 down to 7) but I have also travelled across the US, in Europe, the UK, sung competitively as a Soprano (here and overseas) and suffered from poor health which was potentially life threatening.

All this has put many things in perspective at several points, but most recently my family's existence has once more been affected and forced to change, by my other half's heart attack and seizures, which have obviously caused a great deal of concern and re-arranging of our daily routine to cope with the changes placed upon us.

Whilst for my children the most blatant signs of these changes have been the lack of their fathers presence at times (most especially whilst he was in hospital but generally when he attends appointments or needs to rest) and the need for a carer to assist with his personal help in the morning. In my case, it has been the regular to-ing and fro-ing to the hospital to visit him, along with co-ordinating his care with the huge team of medical and other care professionals in order to ensure that Andy has the organised care plan he needs (so far this has not happened due to the complexity of the situation)

As for Andy, I can only answer from an outside point of view, but I imagine that he feels somewhat that his life has been changed to the point where he no longer feels in control anymore, being totally at the mercy of medication, doctors & hospitals. Not something you hope for aged only 41.

What, you might ask, does this have to do with my opening question?

Well, I'm sure that Andy fairly frequently wonders where his life is leading him... and I know I do.

And I have talked about my concerns regarding this topic on a previous blog article before, but more in the context of work, and what I had hoped my career prospects were, so I needed to put things a little bit back in perspective considering everything which has now occurred.

I am desperate to return to work, for two reasons 1 – for my sanity & 2 – to bring some financial security back to my family, but life is about making sure you don't loose your family or your health and can look forward to a future which sees you moving forwards with your sanity intact.

Even if this means reconsidering and changing its direction regularly.

British and proud of it.

This year as most you will remember, we completed the 2011 census. Alongside this the BBC have been running a series based on the concept of the Mixed Race heritage within British culture, which has developed over the past 100 years or so (Mixed Britannia -Here).
I have brought my children up (hopefully) to respect people no matter what race, colour or faith (or lack of) they are, so felt comfortable watching the programme in order to gain an understanding of just how mixed race relationships have changed society.
I was absolutely amazed to find out just how long ago our society had begun to merge and blend with the cultures coming in as a result of our Empire. Not just this, but with Britain being somewhere that was on the tourist trail, plenty of visitors arriving at our ports and exploring the country to meet the people who had probably never seen exotic, exciting appearing individuals such as those from overseas.

I have to admit having little experience of mixed cultural influences myself, being of white English background,   and growing up in the Home Counties during the 70's & 80's did very little to change this either.
But I would like to hope that my children will change this, that they will, through their own, more balanced, multi-cultural social networks be introduced to people who will become friends & maybe even more than this....
By exploring the huge world of experience available to them through the people now living in our local communities, let alone as my four children begin to start spreading their wings and travel around outside of their "home environment" I genuinely believe that they will learn to be more varied, flexible & understanding individuals, thus becoming generally less insular and this can only be beneficial I feel.

Surely, this it what it means to be British? -  Multicultural & Proud of it!

I know it's parent's evening but please don't sit on me!

Last night I had the task of facing 3 hours (yes I did say that) of parents evening at my youngest son's school.

I had promised his head of learning that I would attend after we both expressed concern about Mathew's failure to progress at the end of the previous academic year (Year 7 - otherwise known as Year 1 to those of us born before about 1990!!) and as I hadn't been to his previous one it was obviously something which needed addressing.

Arriving in the school atrium my son was forced to sign in (acknowledging that some children fail to turn up though I do, I'm sure that the teachers themselves ARE capable of noting who they see & who they don't) before we went into find the first on the list of appointments.

Now most parents who have attended a parents consultation evening at Secondary education level will know I speak the truth here - YOUR APPOINTMENTS WILL NEVER EVER RUN ON TIME - this is guaranteed. However at the commencement of the scheduled time slots you always carry a hope that this one consultation will be different, and that Miss so-and-so or Mr What's-his-face will be adhering to the allocated 5 minute slots for each set of parent/child combo.......

Like heck....

Generally, however, and I'll be fair here, this is NOT the teacher in question's fault, but the parent attending the meeting..... I have sat waiting in line behind many a full-bodied mother/father team with their poor son or daughter watching (and trying desperately not to listen in) whilst they express great concern/admiration/frustration about poor Tristan/Jemima, waving hands, tugging clothes, son/daughter burying head further & further into chest out of shear embarrassment......

I'm no angel, don't get me wrong, I have strayed over the 5 minutes set aside for me by a minute or two when meeting a specific teacher of one of my kids at some point I'm sure, but where I have been aware of the need to extend the conversation I will always arrange to meet/call & speak another time. It is so unfair on those of us sitting waiting for our turn, to just assume that you can carry on chatting away & not impact the rest of the evening .... especially as you too probably have other teachers waiting to see you too!!

Not only do you have parents taking far too long with teachers, there are those who seem to think that they can make up their own appointment times - excuse me but most of us arranged the times we have for a reason, not so that we can fit around you... please don't assume you can just "squeeze in ahead of us" .... For those working parents for whom fitting in Parent Consultation Evenings is hard enough already, shift workers, those who work long hours, those who use public transport or parents with issues of child care for younger siblings  seeing some "well meaning" parent try to push in before they are due, or because they are running late and have missed their scheduled time slot, they want to "slide in" quickly "hope thats ok?"... er, actually, no. It's not.
It's not my fault you were late. If I was late I wouldn't expect to try and be seen unless it was plainly clear the teacher had no-one sitting waiting for them, and even then, it would have to be with a margin of concern for the next arrival.... And there would be NO WAY I would attempt to get seen before my time unless requested to do so by the teacher as previous appointment had failed to arrive at the event (only possible benefit of the signing in process I mentioned at the beginning of this as that they could check if a particular child had arrived at all)

Finally, and maybe peculiar to myself and my poor children (Mathew & his little sister who had to come along for the ride) please please please.....
always make sure you are aware of your surroundings when sitting in a crowded parents evening hall....

we lost count of the number of times one of us was trodden on, elbowed, had our back hit by the chair behind us, but worst of all was the failed attempt I experienced of someone trying to sit on me because they hadn't noticed they were moving into an occupied chair........

I mean...
Really?
Invisible am I as well as a Mother of 4?

Caring for the carer.

Have you ever offered "to care" for someone when they don't really don't actually want it? (even if they need it)

If every time you try to help them they say "i'm not a baby" or "give it a rest" even, how long before you are no longer going to offer?Even when you do it, it will be with increased reluctance, hesitation and maybe resentment.Surely this is no good to carer or recipient?...

When looking at things from the patients point of perspective, there can be no doubt that having health issues which require support from a carer (be they family, friend or paid worker) will be, at many times, at best, tiring, and worst, darned right depressing... Seeing this through the carers' eyes shows just how undervalued, ignored and imposed a carer can be. Neither situation is perfect!

Without support, space, time or even just a friend to cry on, carers risk losing their identity, a sense of balance and place, and the ability to care. The loss of any of these is not worth thinking about.

Carers need care too.... What can you do to help?

Keep on looking..

Some of you will be aware that I gave up singing in January of this year after what effectively was 30 years of my life being involved in sacred music somehow. Indeed, having sung both in Europe and America, I had achieved some international experience as well as performing in the UK. I had reached a point where attending the church choir I had been a member of for most of my life had ceased to provide me with comfort, enjoyment and that I actually felt hypocritical going, that I couldn't identify with the texts we were singing any more. On my arrival the "prefects" were friendly and went through things but as I sat and waited for the rehearsal to commence I couldn't help one or two things which began to trouble me, although I couldn't put my finger on why at first.

So at first things started well, with some of the members introducing themselves and asking "was I new?" and then warm up, moving into the full rehearsal. Then the first niggle became obvious..... Of the 80 or so participants here, there were only 4 or 5 men, with 1 of them being oo!
Now don't get me wrong, women can sing multi-part harmony (I have frequently done so myself) but if I'd wanted to join an essentially all female choir that is what I'd have chosen - there IS one where I live. But I don't... So I didn't...
Anyway.. To continue, the rehearsal was pleasant enough, classic 60's Motown, arranged for three part harmony (!) and as I said earlier, I was happy to try more modern, lively style than my previous decades of experience, but I couldn't feed of the vibe which was being generated in the school hall by the very large number of very enthusiastic, talented singers. It was a shame really.
There are a couple more things which lead me back to the title of this post.. And how I think I shall "keep on looking"
I mean absolutely no offence here, believe me please, but I am only 35, and one thing I noticed was that on balance, a large proportion of the members were older than me and whilst this means nothing when singing I am looking for something which offers me more. The possibility of companionship, friendship, and commonalities. Someone who may understand what I have been through, am going through and what the future may hold. I felt there was none of this here. At the break, the ladies immediately fell into their obviously formed groups and this is just one of my other pet dislikes about groups of women ... Even though I am one!
Finally came the realisation that I was not offering a valued contribution, being absorbed into such a huge number of singers.
I felt like just a number, indeed, so much focus was placed on the registration fees, the financial aspect, that you could almost feel like just a sum of money... Very disappointing, especially now I'm not working and money is so desperately tight. ... It just added to the unlikliness of my returning.
I'm sorry Rock Choir, but one size does not fit all...